This rock (known as Petros in its native Greek) had no comment when an IGNN reporter asked how it felt about the return of its name.

Redmond, WA

 Nintendo of America’s charismatic president, Reggie Fils-Aime (pronounced “feel free to say what you will, but I’m quite likely taller than you, stronger than you, and I’ve made so much money for Nintendo that it actually hurts my brain thinking about those comparison graphics cooked up by our talented PR staff showing how high a stack of cash based on our earnings would reach into space; I think someone told me it’s currently somewhere near Uranus.”) stunned the gaming world by finally revealing the names he referenced during his debut as Nintendo of America’s chief marketer with the famous words: “My name is Reggie. I’m about kickin’ ass. I’m about takin’ names. ” Until today, the actual names Mr. Fils-Aime allegedly took had remained confidential. But during an interview with IGNN investigative reporter, Ram Danger, Fils-Aime finally let go of his secret.

“Pete. Tom. Sarah. Oh, and Velma. Those are the names I took,” Fils-Aime confessed. When asked why he had taken the names, Fils-Aime responded, “I liked them. They’re all very nice names. Of course, at first it was just a marketing thing–a way to get the attention of the media–but over time, frankly, I grew quite fond of them.” Fils-Aime revealed that he spared no expense to keep the names comfortable and happy during their captivity, even taking them along on vacations. “I’ve kept them safe all these years, but I feel that the time is right to return them to their original owners, so today I am setting them free.”

The news was met with joy by Peter Jinowski, 28, of Carlington, Minnesota, one of the people whose name had been taken. “I had absolutely no clue where my name had gone,” he told IGNN. “I really missed it. I can’t tell you how unsettling it was having my grandmother suddenly calling me Jinowski, but she really didn’t have any choice since my parents hadn’t given me a middle name. Sarah Olive Lee of Hornbeck, Ontario didn’t even realize that her name had gone missing since she only went by her initials. “I guess it’s nice to have it back, but I’m perfectly okay with someone else using it if it can help them,” said Sarah. The reactions of other Peters, Toms, Sarahs and Velmas ranged from gratitude to anger. Tom Blemen of Boston, Massachusetts admitted to considering filing some sort of lawsuit. “I think this is a matter for the courts to sort out,” Mr. Blemen told a crowd outside his Back Bay home. But according to IGNN’s legal experts, Mr. Blemen may have a long wait ahead of him. “It all comes down to trademark status,” stated Bruce Glitner of law firm Glitner, Mosh & Pebbleby. “There’s really no law against taking first names, and since none of the people had taken the time to protect their names by establishing a trademark, well, they have nobody to blame but themselves.”

Fils-Aime was philosophical in response to these reactions. “I understand their concerns, of course, but we should also ask ourselves, what’s in a name? Isn’t a rose still a rose?” he asked with a wink.