Sony Goes All Robotic

Tokyo, Japan

Stunning industry watchers, business partners and gamers around the world, Sony CEO Sir Howard

This still image taken from a company video shows a prototype Playpal with its faceplate removed, revealing the workings of its advanced inner face while on a boat outing with a group of Swedish au pairs.

Stringer today announced that Sony was making a strategic exit from the console game market to concentrate on developing a personal robot that, among its many functions, could serve as a gaming station as well as a companion. “We call it, The Playpal,” Stringer told a press conference audience gathered at Makuhari Messe near Tokyo. “It’s become quite clear to us over the course of the past console generation that gamers are moving beyond the simple interactions that a video game experience can provide. With Sony’s world-wide leadership in the robotics field, it’s only natural to leverage our expertise beyond traditional robotic spheres, such as manufacturing, amusement parks and greeting guests in slightly creepy, high-tech Japanese hotels.” Sir Howard went on to describe a glowing future in which gamers will compete or interact cooperatively with their personal robotic Playpals, engaging in traditional video games hosted via the Playpal’s HD projection video interface, or live-action activities such as tennis, golf or even hang gliding. “The Playpal can do anything we program it to do, and it will do it perfectly.” Stringer added with a self-deprecating chuckle, “Although it can’t swim underwater without frying its circuits, at least not yet.”

According to press materials released during the event, the Playpal will be a multi-generational leap beyond current personal robot technologies, such as Sony’s Aibo. “These Playpal robots will look human, sound human, and with our patented Sofskin polymer shells, they’ll even feel human,” Sir Howard elaborated. To prove his point, the distinguished Sony leader inserted two fingers up his nostrils and dramatically peeled away his own face, revealing a blinking, diode-laced robotic interior beneath. “As you can see, the Playpal is exceptionally lifelike,” quipped the dramatically revealed robotic Sir Howard.

“We don’t think of it as a retreat from gaming,” he added, “but as the logical next step in human/machine experiential relationships.” The robotic Sir Howard’s remarks were met with polite applause and several uncomfortable coughs as the Playpal prototype struggled to put its face back on and while so doing fell off the stage and burst into flames. No injuries among the press corps were reported.

In America, an unnamed Sony spokesperson answered media inquiries with uncharacteristic candor: “The video game business is yesterday’s news. Who needs all this make-believe crap anyway? We’re gonna make robots and take over the whole fucking world! All our competitors will be standing in little pools of terror-pee when they see what these things can really do. It’s the Trojan Horse everyone’s been talking about for the past 20 years. It’ll be in every home. In fact, we predict a one-to-one ratio of Playpals to humans by the year 2100, and that’s just the beginning. Lots of people will want armies of the little bastards. Which reminds me, that’s what we were going to call them originally–Super Robo Samurai Bastards–and the plan was that they’d all come with armor and a pair of katana swords sharper than a razor and you’d train them to fight each other mano-a-mano. Man, just imagine it! But the weenies in marketing said parents would freak out about buying lethal robotic warriors for their kids. What a bunch of pussies. No imagination at all. ‘Call them Playpals,’ they said. ‘It’s friendly. No one will ever suspect what they can really do?’”

Following these and several additional remarks speculating on what Nintendo could do with its popular Wii remote, a company security detail removed the spokesperson.

An official Sony press release stated that further details about Playpal would be forthcoming in the days, weeks, months and years ahead.