Paris, France–In a move considered by many industry observers to be a sign either of startling brilliance or blithering ineptitude, Ubisoft today announced that it had agreed to purchase the European nation of France. French industry observers welcomed the news with snide remarks about Ubisoft’s many foreign enterprises and called into question the company’s French values and the size of its corporate private parts while citizens interviewed in the street by our Paris correspondent, Yvette Purvu, were more prone to display their feelings on the matter by spitting on the rue or suggesting that they and Yvette might slip off for a quick “merger” on a park bench. Ubisoft CEO, Yves Guillemot (pronounced “I’ve seen the guiding light and it tells me that Ubisoft can become bigger than GE if I just keep buying everything that exists”) dismissed stock-holder complaints, explaining, “France is a very nice place with very nice people and some lovely villages scattered about. I think it will be a great asset to Ubisoft. It’s a very artistic, culturally rich society–the cornerstones of great interactive development.”

A unnamed Ubisoft artist's depiction of the new Franco-Ubisoft flag.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy echoed Guillemot’s sentiments from his vacation retreat, where he was recovering from a weekend accident in which he collapsed after excitedly running around in circles upon hearing the news of the Ubisoft acquisition. “It is a great day for the nation of France. I for one can’t wait to get my hands on some code. Perhaps Yves will allow me to work on the next Assassin’s Creed game. I have always been enchanted by the intrigues!”

Recent mergers and acquisitions by Ubisoft’s competitors had left the France-based company searching for ways to extend its own reach, but none of the possible take-over scenarios made sense to Guillemot. “Yes, but of course we considered buying out Nintendo or Chrysler, but that really wasn’t realistic unless perhaps President Obama were to order it so and toss in a few tens of billions or more. And yet when we cast our eyes upon France, it all seemed to make sense. We ran the numbers, and we saw it would be a steal; so we moved while the moving was ripe.”

The selling price for France had not been announced at press time, but inside sources suggest that it was in excess of 12 Euros, making it the single-biggest commercial/political take-over in European history, dwarfing last year’s acquisition of Iceland by Codemasters for 5 Euros and a musk ox.  –Yvette Purvu