The Eeyore Interview

Today’s Topic: PS3 Slim–Too Little, Too Late, Too Much Ado About Nothing?

In our first of what we hope will be an ongoing series of opinion pieces with famous pundits, we turn to noted skeptic Eeyore for his take on Sony’s long-anticipated price reduction for the PS3.

IGNN: Eeyore, thank you for speaking with us. We understand that you feel quite strongly that Sony’s introduction of the slimmed-down PS3 and its lower price should have major impacts on the game marketplace. Can you tell us what you think those impacts will be?

Eeyore: You know, as a donkey who has lost his own tail more times than I can count, I find it even more perplexing than usual that anyone would ask me about the PS3. I suspect that whatever the PS3 is, it wouldn’t make a very good house and possibly it would make an even worse dinner, so I can’t say that I feel strongly one way or the other.

IGNN: We were told by Tigger that you were quite a gamer. Is that not an accurate portrayal?

Eeyore: Pooh Sticks. I’ve been known to play a round of Pooh Sticks when someone remembers to ask. Mostly they forget, of course. I wait patiently at the end of the bridge, hoping that Pooh or Piglet or Christopher Robin will look up, see me, and invite me to play, but mostly they don’t notice. [Sigh] I’ve been told that I have assertiveness issues.

IGNN: So when it comes to video games you aren’t really up on things; is that fair to say?

Eeyore: What’s fair about being a donkey who can think and talk and feel heartache but all you’re ever asked to do is play the fool or introduce a little pathos for the good of a narrative? I don’t really consider that fair, but who am I to complain about it? After all, that is why A. A. Milne created me. I suppose there’s some comfort knowing why I was created in the first place, unlike all you flesh-and-blood folks who don’t really seem to have figured it out. I guess in some respects I’d rather be me than you.

IGNN: Well, from a general perspective then, would you say that getting less bulk at a lower price but with the same quality is a good thing?

Eeyore: Economics isn’t my strong suit I have to confess. I’d rather approach it from the perspective of thistles if I might. I do know a thing or two about thistles, perhaps more than anyone, although few people or animals or stuffed toys for that matter ever call upon my expertise. They’ll talk all day long about honey pots and heffalumps without so much as a simple, “My, word. I wonder what it would be like to eat a thistle. Let’s go and ask good old Eeyore.” If I had a dollar for every time that happened I’d be flat broke.”

IGNN: Okay, so you want to talk about the economics of thistles?

Eeyore: To tell the truth there isn’t much of an economy when it comes to thistles. It’s pretty much me who likes them while everyone else in the world finds them appalling. But if there are a lot of thistles in a field, I tend to eat the ones that are easiest to reach. If I had to walk all the way across the 100 acre wood to reach the tastiest thistle that ever grew I’d probably just eat some dirt instead. As for the thistles that are best, I’ll tell you that the ones with flowers are my favorites. Size doesn’t really come into it. It’s more a matter of taste and color.

IGNN: So you’re equating gaming consoles with thistles and you think that content is what really drives adoption? If that’s the case, what console would you say has the tastiest thistles: Wii, Xbox 360 or PS3?

Eeyore: Well, not that I would eat any of them; I have to say that Wii sounds just foul. Last Tuesday I was sitting out in the middle of my favorite thistle patch when Owl flew over and let loose what I can only call a “rain of terror.” I moved as fast as I’ve moved since the night I found a woozle in my bed. As for Xbox 360, I can’t say that I like the sound of that, either. It sounds a bit circular, like going round and round in search of your tail. You don’t really know if it’s there or if it’s not but you’re not willing to give up because, after all, it’s your tail and it’s a part of you. [Sigh] It’s a bit frustrating. That only leaves PS3, which sounds an awful lot like the first one but possibly three times worse, so I don’t think I’d want to taste one of those, either.

IGNN: I see what you mean about circular arguments being frustrating.

Eeyore: Maybe we should talk about the weather instead. It looks like rain, of course, which is what I always say because eventually it will rain and then no one will be surprised and come back and say that I had it all wrong and that as a result of my silly prediction their picnic sandwich got wet. So maybe talking about the weather isn’t such a good idea. I could just go over there and pretend to be a tree if you like.

IGNN: As exciting as that sounds, I’m here on assignment Mr. Eeyore, and if I come back without a story my editor will give me the boot.

Eeyore: I once had a set of boots. They were old cast-offs that Christopher Robin left outside in the rain. There was a hole in each one, of course, and they were red, which clashed with my grey coat, but I have to say that I almost enjoyed the floppy sound they made when I walked in them. If you flopped about in them loudly enough you could almost forget that you were still getting sopping wet.

IGNN: Listen, Eeyore, I appreciate that you’re a bit of an outcast, that you live in a field, and your house is nothing more than a loose pile of sticks, but can’t you just try to put yourself in my shoes for a moment.

Eeyore: Well, I could if you took them off, but I should point out that you have two feet and I have four feet so that I would have to imagine wearing the other two shoes that you don’t have…and I don’t have an imagination.

IGNN: No imagination?

Eeyore: None. Frankly, I can’t even imagine what it might be like to have one. Does it hurt?

IGNN: Yes, sometimes. Now, for instance.

Eeyore: Well, then, maybe I’m better off without one. But if you have an imagination maybe it would make the most sense for you to imagine what my take on this skinny PS3 would be.

IGNN: You’d allow me to make up something for you to say?

Eeyore: It wouldn’t be the first time.

IGNN: And you wouldn’t be put out if what I made up was, shall we say, controversial?

Eeyore: Knock yourself out.

IGNN: Okay. I’ll write something down and then you can read it back. How’s that?

Eeyore: That sounds quite clever except for one thing.

IGNN: What’s that?

Eeyore: I can’t read. So the part about reading what you’ve written isn’t quite as clever as the part about you writing it down.

IGNN: I’ll coach you.

Eeyore: That might work.

IGNN: Might?

Eeyore: My memory’s like a sieve I’m afraid.

IGNN: Well, do your best. That’s all I ask. Okay, let’s begin. “I, Eeyore, being of sound mind and body…”

Eeyore: I do actually have a pain just here beneath my…

IGNN: Forget that part. Let’s start again. “I believe that the PS3 Slim is the dawn of a new interactive age of plenty in which every man, woman, child and stuffed animal will be able to afford the best that Sony technology has to offer. And furthermore, in the immortal words of Bobby Kotick…”

Eeyore: Hold on, there. Nobody mentioned anything about quoting Bobby Kotick. He’s the guy who stole my tail and tried to sell it back to me for the interactive rights to the entire Winnie the Pooh franchise. Speaking of which, have you seen my tail recently. I could have sworn it was right behind me, but now…

Our interview with Eeyore concluded with a search through the 100 acre wood, where eventually we discovered his tail nailed to a tree with Roo swinging on it.