Attractive Scientist (and partner) Predict Evolutionary Demise of the Thumb

The attractive Dr. LeFeaux sometimes conducts research while wearing the latest in glam designer teddies.

BERKELEY, CA–Evolutionary scientists working to understand the complex interactions between lifestyle and biological evolution have discovered a remarkable connection between evolutionary artifacts and environmental changes that suggest current trends in gaming will eventually lead to the loss of human thumbs. Writing in The Monthly Science Journal of Evolutionary Artifact Research, doctors Emily Slipsot and Jasmine LeFeaux of the University of California, Berkeley, site multi-generational studies using white mice trained to play maze games in which a critical element of the game is changed between mouse populations to determine if evolutionary changes will take place.

“We wanted to see what would happen if a population of mice was given a new environmental challenge, such as having to play the maze game in an odorless environment,” Dr. Slipsot explained. “The results were surprising to say the least.”

The study reports that within a dozen generations the population playing the odorless maze game had a demonstrably weaker sense of olifaction or smell.

“They were smell-challenged,” said Dr. LeFeaux, whose specialty in modeling both complex evolutionary systems and provocative evening attire for professional women has put her talents much in demand both in the scientific community and on the runway. “Using the data we mined from this landmark study, I am now able to incorporate our findings in virtually any model for studying how critical or obsessive behavior impacts evolutionary changes.”

“That’s how we determined that motion-based controllers may eventually lead humans to lose their thumbs,” added Dr. Slipsot, who winked at her research partner in a knowing yet slightly suggestive and intriguing manner.

The researchers looked at the popularity and styles of Wii control, and they made several hypothetical assumptions regarding Microsoft’s Project Natal and Sony’s wand/camera hybrid thingy in establishing the model to determine what would happen if button-mashing was largely removed from the game playing equation.

“Our simulation suggests that within 8,000 years humanity will lose their opposable appendages,” stated Dr. LeFeaux, casually unfastening one button of her laboratory smock and carelessly tossing her long, blonde hair coltishly behind her.

“That’s right,” breathed Dr. Slipsot, running her tongue around her lips. “No more thumbs. There won’t be any need since pure body motion will drive our interactions with technology.”

“And eventually that will give way to pure thought,” added Dr. LeFeaux, who then crossed her legs and flexed her ankle in a toe-pointing demonstration that seemed to emphasize the power of pure suggestion.

“It won’t be the only appendage that withers away,” said Dr. Slipsot almost gleefully, adding: “The real challenge is to see if we can speed up the evolutionary process since 8,000 years is really a long time to wait.”

When asked why they considered a thumbless future desirable, both doctors giggled girlishly and looked at each other with glances that pointedly excluded your reporter and seemed to imply that he was far too stupid to comprehend the ramifications, which indeed seems to be the case. If the conclusions of the study are accurate, it would seem that classic game control is an evolutionary dead end and ultimately doomed, perhaps the first of several upcoming evolutionary changes that will change humanity forever. –Ib Sanchez