IGNN–The Imaginary Game News Network

Headline news returns from a long vacation (truth is, nothing actually happened in the real game world over the past month) with a survey of top news stories being reported by a variety of game news media web sites. As always, time being a scarce commodity, The Imaginary Game News Network feels compelled to reduce your burden of reading the actual stories by simply imagining what the headlines might mean. Hold onto your butts!

From 1Up.com

Assassin’s Creed II To Contain ‘A Bit Of Sex’ 

IGNN’s Take: Don’t get excited, lads. As any programmer could tell you, one “bit” is the tiniest, most insignificant amount of data that it’s possible to use in a game. Even if it’s a fairly sexy bit, such as “0″ or “1″, most of the actual titillation value will have to be supplied by the player’s own prurient imagination. We don’t expect a really rollicking, hold-onto-my-ears-and-stop-squeezing-me-there passion ride until Assassin’s Creed III: Rise of the Trojans hits the market in late 2010 (or possibly much, much later).

Activision Recruiting Talent For DJ Hero 2 

IGNN’s Take: They ran the numbers and decided it was worth hiring a talented DJ rather than luring a homeless guy off the street with a doughnut and posing him in that role then crossing their fingers. Good call. There’s nothing gamers detest more than amateurs destroying good music when for a few bucks you can hire a pro to do it.

From AtomicGamer.com 

New PlanetSide Discovered 

IGNN’s Take: This may be the most significant story of the century. A new side to the planet means a net increase of the Earth’s surface area of 50%! That extra space can be used to supply new resources for humanity, for carbon dumping, and as a convenient place to exile gaming executives who launch games before they’re done…or fun. Kudos to Atomic Gamer for breaking this one.

Dead Rising 2 Multiplayer Mini-Game Madness 

IGNN’s Take: A bit of a non-story actually. The dead are always rising, and they’re always mad when they do. Just think about it: you’re dead, then some nerdy game designer wakes you up and forces you to eat someone’s brain when you were perfectly happy just rotting in your grave. Add mini-games into the mix and you’re bound to get a lot of very upset dead folks.

From IndustryGamers.com

Sony ‘Actually Expected a Lot More Negative Responses’ From Retail for PSPgo 

IGNN’s Take: As might anyone who snatches a dainty treat from a lion’s maw. For showing courage in the face of what might have been a slightly unpleasant conversation with GameStop, and for bravely standing their ground when the mighty retail gods of Wal-Mart arched a brow at the news of an all-digital download PSP Go, we owe Sony a warm group hug and some friendly noogies.

EA Sports Toying with Kids 

IGNN’s Take: It may seem wrong for a giant corporation to toy with kids, but relax. Kids love toys! This is the feel-good story of the week. Frankly, we wish our friends at EA cared enough to toy with us from time to time.

Fox Licensing Put Focus on Video Games with Hiring of 50 Cent Producer

http://www.industrygamers.com/news/fox-licensing-put-focus-on-video-games-with-hiring-of-50-cent-producer/

IGNN’s Take: We knew that economic times were tough (we haven’t been paid since August) but landing a video game producer for half a buck is unprecedented. Either Fox Licensing has the shrewdest negotiating team on the planet or someone was getting tired of dumpster dining. Word is that the newly hired producer will be working on the upcoming Fox News strategy simulation game, Where the Heck is Glenn Beck? We can’t wait!