IGNN–The Imaginary Game News Network

The IGNN Interviews

BELLEVUE, WASHINGTON–A man who claimed he was Sid Meier answered the phone recently when IGNN reporter Rondo Nobson called to conduct an interview with the award-winning game designer, who is best known for the Civilization series of games. Although we only have the man’s word to go by, we thought he sounded rather like Sid Meier (except for his pronunciation of some long vowel sounds) and he certainly seemed to have an opinion on Civilization and its possible end. We asked this person if we could record the conversation, and he (we assumed that the alleged Sid Meier was in fact male) said that would be fine with him. Following the obligatory chatter about how nice the weather had been and what about those Yankees, we began the interview with this unidentified person, whom we really hoped was Sid Meier (and not just any Sid Meier as there are likely to be millions of them out there) because if it wasn’t we might look a bit silly publishing this interview.

Nobson: This is really an honor, sir. Did you know that I’ve been playing Civilization since I was five? [Good start, Nobson. How could such a great man know what you were doing in Kindergarten? You'll be lucky now if he doesn't just hang up.]

Meier: Call me, Sid. And no, I didn’t realize that you were that young.

Nobson: [Wow. He's understanding, and kind, and compassionate! Oh, I really hope I'm talking to the real Sid Meier.] My mom says I’m young for my age. But what our readers at The Imaginary Game News Network are clamoring to find out is if the rumor about the end of Civilization is true.

Meier: I’m not familiar with that one. Could you fill me in?

Nobson: Well, Sid. It’s about the end of Civilization. No more Civilization. The end of the game. It suggests that Civilization will be kaput. That rumor. [Doubts! Doubts! How could he not know? Is he a bit dense? Maybe it's just his personal valet who happens to be named Sid Meier, as well. Man, wouldn't that be awkward, having a personal valet with the same name as you. What kind of idiot would even think of hiring someone with their name?]

Meier: I’ve not said anything about the end of Civilization that I can recall.

Nobson: [Oh, crap. Maybe I Googled "The End of Sublimination" or something stupid. Think, Nobson. Aha!] So it’s not true? Fans of Civilization have nothing to worry about?

Meier: Maybe we should clarify what civilization we’re talking about here. Do you mean my game, Civilization. Or are you describing the socio-economic underpinnings of our modern world?

Nobson: Huh? [Who is this guy? The Sid Meier who made Civilization and Railroad Tycoon would never use a word like underpinnings...would he?]

Meier: If you’re talking about the game, I think there’s still more that can be done with the concept. After all, it’s a pretty big concept.

Nobson: You’re darned tootin’, Sid. [Please, oh, please let it be him.]

Meier: But if you mean world civilization, it’s always possible that the end is near. There are all sorts of threats that we aren’t really prepared for, such as a major impact event, say from a comet or asteroid.

Noboson: Or if Superman smashed into the Earth when he was blotto on Kryptonite and he destroyed Topeka! [If only there was a way to prove that it's really him. If only I had some Kryptonite!]

Meier: Global climate change might be a slightly more relevant threat.

Nobson: Can’t we just grow more trees? That’s what my mom says. “Rondo, go plant a tree,” she tells me every day. Our yard looks like a giant green pin cushion. [I think he really likes me.]

Meier: She sounds like an intelligent woman. As for my games, I like to think that playing Civilization introduces people to all sorts of important concepts, like working co-operatively and managing your resources intelligently.

Nobson: I thought it was about stomping your neighbors before they stomped you. [Banish the doubt, please. Say something only Sid Meier could possibly say.]

Meier: You can play it that way, but it can be dangerous.

Nobson: [Damn you, Sid Meier! That isn't an answer. Anyone could say that. I need to trick him, that's it. Challenge him with cunning and wiles.] What are your thoughts on the color orange?

Meier: I’m a fan. Why?

Nobson: [Okay, good answer.] Do you think there’s a game in it? I want credit if you make it into a game.

Meier: I’m not sure that there is a game in the color orange. You usually need some sort of goal and conflict, a challenge; orange doesn’t really support those things.

Nobson: Oh. [It must really be him. He outwits me at every turn, like a super ninja with a doctoral thesis in outwitting cunning opponents.] Well, then.

Meier: Yes?

Nobson: It’s been real. Or has it? [I've got him now!]

Meier: It’s been…different. What web site did you say you worked for?

Nobson: [Oh, no. Think quickly.] GameSpot.

Meier: I don’t think so.

Nobson: [He's onto me. Curses.] Would you believe 1-Up?

Meier: Doubtful.

Nobson: [It's like dueling with a master.] Kotaku

Meier: Can you spell Kotaku?

Nobson: [Aagggh! Unmasked! I hate him! I hope it really is his valet so that nobody will miss him when I hunt him down and cut out his tongue to keep him from ever speaking of this.] Can you?

Meier: Yes, but I asked you first. I think you’re an imposter. I think you’re not even real. Are you from that fake game news site where they confuse the word news with newt?

Nobson: [This isn't going well. I know--time to fake a bad connection.] kkkrshhh kk ssspppsss gnn kkkrsshh

Meier: I thought as much. Well, it’s been nice talking to you. I think I’ll keep the announcement of my next big title to a legitimate news source, however. Give my best to your mother. Cheers.

Nobson: MEEEIIIIEEERRR! [That went pretty well.]