Kaz Hirai, President and Group CEO, Sony Computer Entertainment

Keynote Speech Entitled: What do you people want from us?

Hoji Sosumi, The Imaginary Game News Networks’ Tokyo Bureau Chief imagines Kaz Hirai’s keynote speech from the Tokyo Game Show in a pre-LIVE streaming blogcast recorded prior to the event for your convenience and to leave the rest of the media eating our reportorial dust.

HS: We’re here in one of the many giant auditoriums within the Makuhari Messe complex in Chiba Prefecture north of Tokyo, waiting for the keynote speech from Kaz Hirai. The scene is like something out of GDC or E3–a press of international games press packed like sheep from wall to wall, bleating, shifting, nibbling bits of breakfast sushi. The temperature must be equivalent to the surface of Mercury (the side facing the sun) and over it all hangs an ominous giant block with the words 16-tons printed on it, seemingly poised to crush the throng should they get out of hand and attempt to ask Kaz a question. Mr. Hirai famously blasted the competition earlier in the year by claiming Wii was less a computer than a home for thin gerbils and that Xbox 360 was really a toaster. At the same time, Mr. Hirai heroically claimed that PS3 sales would soon reach double digits, a milestone it finally achieved last month when Mel Gilfordwich purchased a PS3, making him the 10th customer and the winner of a new Ferrari courtesy of Sony to mark the occasion.

In tomorrow’s keynote, which The Imaginary Game News Network is streaming pre-LIVE due to the fact that we are inventing every word of the speech using an advanced algorithm that returns probable phrase usage given enough monkeys and keyboards to input random data, Mr. Hirai will touch on Sony’s new marketing strategy, which is to whine, bitch and moan about how lame the competition is while pointing out that PS3 isn’t just about games anymore; it will play Blu-Ray movies, keep all your music and photo files handy, give you Internet access and pleasure your dog all for the price of a ham sandwich. So, needless to say, we’re pretty excited to hear from the man himself. And here he comes. My colleague, and Japanese rock star game designer, Shiggy Miyamojo, is with me to help provide perspective and color. Shiggy, how does Kaz look?

SM: Thanks, HS. He looks like crap if you ask me. It doesn’t look like he’s had a haircut in over a year. He seems to have lost weight, and unless I’m mistaken he’s grown rather attractive breasts.

HS: My, bad, SM. That’s not Kaz. I’d say it’s some Sony spokeswoman who’s going to make an introduction. Look, the lights are going down and the screen behind the podium is turning Sony red.

SM: Sony red? What the fuck are you talking about, HS? I’m supposed to do the color here.

HS: Watch the language, Shig. This is a family feed.

SM: Whatever. Look, she’s jabbering away in some unintelligible language now and smiling like she’s about to take a bite of my hot dog.

HS: That’s Japanese, Shig, your native language, or at least it was until you became an international super stud with your breakout single, “My Hotdog Want Mustard”. But yeah, she’s introducing Kaz as a great leader and yo-yo champion, I think.

SM: It’s true. I’ve seen him walk a dog all the way down the office hall and into the men’s room, where he can spin that baby up the urinal, unzip his pants with it, and slap the face of the jerk who’s taking a peek from the next trough. Brilliant. I should write a song about it, or make a game for PSP.

HS: You could call it PS Peeing! (laughs sort of like a honk)

SM: You leave that to me, Soso. Anyway, it looks like she’s wrapping up, glancing off to the side of the stage.

HS: Looks a bit nervous. What’s over there? Is this going to be one of those joke entrances like when Reggie introduced Miyamoto but it turned out to be Iwata dressed like a Pikmin?

SM: That really happened? I thought it was just a nightmare.

HS: No, it’s the real thing. Here he is, the man of the hour. He’s wearing a dark suit and white sneakers.

SM: A bit 90′s. That’s not a good sign.

HS: And he’s smiling and nodding like he’s got something loose in his skull.

SM: His mouth is opening now. I think he’s going to attempt to communicate.

HS: I think you’re right. Damn all the noise in this place. Usually Japanese venues are as quiet as a tomb, but this place sounds like someone is revving up a…

SM: Holy Shit! On the screen! It’s Gran Turismo 8! They’ve skipped three fucking generations! Oh my God! It’s got real bug splatters!

HS: Kaz is describing it now. He says that people love bug splatters and only Sony can deliver this level of reality. He’s talking about how they just chucked all the development on GT5, 6 and 7 because they were stuck in yesterday’s thinking about what a great racing game should be.

SM: LOOK! Holy FUCK! Is that Final Fantasy XXX? I can’t be seeing this. This can’t be real. And what’s that controller? It looks like some sort of hollow shaft device…oh dear, God, no! Don’t put it on.

HS: You’re a total perv, Shiggy. He’s describing it now. It’s a motion-controller sleeve. Look, he’s inserting the new PS3 wand, or whatever they’re going to call it.

SM: The PS3 dick, maybe?

HS: Right. Thanks for the perspective, Shig. He’s saying a whole new line of Final Fantasy games with real-life actions are coming to PlayStation 3. You can dig holes, pet your chocobo, describe arcane spells in the air to cast them and make sweet love to a tamed Kracken. Uh, maybe you were right.

SM: It’s awesome, but something is happening. The lights onstage are blinking. There’s static over the PA system. It’s like there’s a power outage coming.

HS: And the shaking, like giant footsteps pounding the Earth with the force of a million cloggers.

SM: LOOK, Soso! The ceiling over the stage is caving in. Kaz is crouched by the podium.

HS: I have just soiled myself.

SM: There’s a monstrous green, clawed, scaled foot smashing down to the stage. Pandemonium! People are screaming and rushing for the exits.

HS: It’s GODZILLA! He’s returned!

SM: No, wait. What is Kaz doing? He’s standing.

HS: He’s got the PS3 wand thingy and he’s waving it at the foot.

SM: I hear Godzilla bellowing as if in terrible pain and anguish. This is incredible. All around us are reporters weeping, bleeding, cursing, and some propositioning others on the premise that it’s the end of the world and wouldn’t it be cool to go out not as a virgin, but Kaz is facing the monster armed only with an interactive dildo.

HS: I wouldn’t believe it if I wasn’t watching it myself.

SM: But wait. What happened? It’s all gone. It’s back to normal. No destruction. No Godzilla.

HS: It was all a mirage! Kaz is smiling–the bastard–and now he’s laughing and explaining.

SM: Medic crews are moving into the hall with first aid for the wounded.

HS: He says that we’ve all just experienced the next generation in digital entertainment.

SM: Yeah, mass hallucinations.

HS: He says it’s a form of mass hallucination, which Sony calls Super Reality Projection, which they accomplish through projecting a proprietary sequence of light flashes on the screen with ultra frequency sound that has the effect of temporarily feeding sensory data straight to the cerebral cortex.

SM: It’s total brain control.

HS: He’s now asking all of us to bark like…arf, arf, arf.

SM: Aroof, aroof. Nnn-nnn-nnn?

HS: Amazing. He’s released us.

SM: I feel so used.

HS: I’m still soaking wet, but this is truly amazing technology. And best (or maybe scariest) of all, it can be accomplished using today’s technology. Complete mind control using images and sounds. What a concept!

SM: I can’t believe there’s even more. Is he trotting out a horse now?

HS: No, Shiggy. I believe that’s Ken Kutaragi. He’s back from his exile as the head of all things Sony Past. This is his brainchild. He looks quite pleased.

SM: He looks like a horse. I mean, I see a tail, mane, hooves.

HS: Maybe there’s a lingering impact from the Super Reality Projection experience.

SM: Actually, you look like a horse, too.

HS: Ken is speaking now. He says that the SRP is just the beginning of what Sony has in store for us.

SM: This is where they bring out the world-dominating robots, I bet.

HS: No. He’s talking about imagination and imaginative worlds, where anything can happen and it feels as real as life.

SM: You mean like us?

HS: He says it’s his dream to live a thousand dream lives.

SM: Sounds tired.

HS: Kaz is doing the bobble head thing again. He agrees with the boss. Ken says that Sony plans on expanding its lead in the console wars (that must be a prompter error) and that Nintendo and Microsoft are little squishy things that live in ponds.

SM: He’s prancing about a bit, tossing his mane…

HS: No, he’s not, Shig. But he’s promising something even more transcendent. Oh, no. Something else is about to happen. The lights are out!

SM: Hold me, Soso! I’m scared.

HS: Shhhh. I hear something. It’s faint music, like harps and maybe a pan flute.

SM: Now I hear stomping footsteps, like a parade of soldiers. It’s drawing nigh.

HS: Seriously? You use the word nigh?

SM: Dramatic effect. I’m an artist, cut me some slack. March, march, march, march.

HS: Oh, man, what a let down. It’s just the stupid robots. A whole platoon of them have marched on stage. These clowns just don’t give up.

SM: They’ve got robots on the brain, that’s for sure.

HS: Now Kaz is talking about how everyone in the audience is going to…oh, YES. They’re going to give us all our own robots! How cool is that?

SM: This is amazing. They’re talking about giving a robot to everyone in the world.

HS: The robots will play with you, do your work, feed you and pleasure your dog. It’s the dawn of a new golden age. And they’re all controlled through the PS3 and PS3 programs and apps that you buy on PSN.

SM: It’s the old razor blade model. Giveaway the razor, sell the blades.

HS: That should move a few units. Now Ken is leaving the stage and Kaz is mentioning that they also are excited about PSP Go, but everyone is packing up and limping out of the hall. Kaz is shouting, “Wait! Wait!” Now he’s fiddling with the dildo controller again, and…

SM: Oh, dear God. HELP!

HS: The robots are coming for us! They’re not peaceful toys and helpers after all!

SM: They look like horses with fangs. Run, Soso! Run!

HS: I can hardly describe the horrible carnage that’s taking place all around me. Robots eating reporters. Reporters trying to interview their attackers as they’re being devoured. Kaz laughing hysterically like a mad super villain from the podium. Shiggy quivering on the floor like a lump of Jell-O brand dessert gelatin. I’m going to crawl out of here and save myself if I can. Goodbye, Shiggy. Good luck. And to all of my readers out there in places where the robots have yet to come, my only advice is beware of things that seem too good to be true. Hoji Sosumi signing out.

And thus concludes The Imaginary Game News Networks preliminary coverage of the upcoming Tokyo Game Show and Kaz Hirai’s inspirational keynote address. We hope you return to read more about the exciting events, games and lively discussions that are sure to follow.