State of the Video Game Industry Report Due From Guy Named Chuck

Chuck contemplates the future of the gaming industry while paving over sensitive wetlands in Yellowstone's geyser basin areas.

BILLINGS, MT–A guy named Chuck (32) who lives in this rugged, mining community, is known for issuing a sometimes insightful analysis of the gaming industry each year at this time. Reporters recently asked Chuck if the tradition was going to continue this year.

“I’m not sure,” responded Chuck, who works on a construction crew that specializes in building roads through ecologically stressed environments, such as Yellowstone National Park. “The industry might be in a downward spiral that ultimately destroys our western civilization or it could be ready to blast off to new heights never before imagined even by the most wildly optimistic pundits. Frankly, I just can’t tell.”

Wall Street analysts who eagerly await Chuck’s report each year were disheartened to hear the news of Chuck’s vacillations.

Edward Killingere of NXlink Advisers wondered if Chuck’s health might be to blame. “Those vacillations sometimes cause the disease you’re trying to avoid,” he said. “And they’re filled with mercury, which can raise your body temperature. Personally, I prefer using leeches.”

But Chuck disagrees. “When I read the latest reports on the gaming industry and try to put it into some coherent internal narrative, all I picture is a giant fluffy cloud, and I can’t tell if it’s moving toward me or away from me. The truth is, I’m not really sure that I care anymore.”

Killingere and others, including CEOs of major game publishing companies, are worried that Chuck’s disaffection could be infectious.

“If this thing spreads to the general population,” argued Killingere, “we could be in for a new dark age when it comes to interactive fun and the healthy profits they return to investors.”

Fortunately, the malaise doesn’t seem to have spread beyond Montana at the moment. Earl, a guy in neighboring Idaho who annually discusses the need for more games about guys in Idaho who like to discuss games, says that he is still bullish on the game industry and hopeful that some publisher will create a game suited for guys like him. Meanwhile, a guy named Mel in Wyoming, who annually advises gaming executives on the best trout-fishing streams in the state, actually reports an increase in both fishing executives and trout.

“It’s a great time to be a fishing guide who caters to gaming execs,” said Mel.

Dr. Ann Bloomish of the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta advocates containment of the Montana pandemic if possible.

“Our first step is to identify victims, then contain the spread of viral infection, whether it is transmitted by airborne pathogens or other means,” explained Bloomish. “We’ve seen this type of viral infection before, and our recommendation is usually to go nuclear as early as possible to guarantee complete sterilization of the infected site.”

Dr. Bloomish went on to describe how unchecked viral agents usually lead to infestations of zombies, “And we don’t want that,” she laughed during a press conference, rolling her eyes back in her head then suddenly lunging forward and pretending to devour a reporter’s head. “But seriously,” she concluded, “we take zombification very seriously here at the CDC. The whole Resident Evil thing creeps us out.”

Officials at Homeland Security, who are responsible for issuing nuclear cleansing orders within the United States, agreed that it would be better to nuke Montana than to allow the viral agent to spread across the country and to the rest of the world.

Under-Secretary Gunnar Dillet shared his view; “It would sadden everyone at the Department of Homeland Security if we had to lay waste to the great state of Montana, particularly since it would really screw up our end-of-the-world escape ranch evacuation planning and we’d have to start looking at alternative escape ranch locations, such as Utah, which nobody wants except Romney.”

As for Chuck, he insists that he is healthy and that he isn’t the Typhoid Mary of the gaming industry. “I really wish I had a clue what was going to happen,” he said. “Maybe if I sleep on it I’ll have an answer tomorrow.”

We can only hope, for Chuck’s sake and for all the potentially doomed souls who co-habit Montana with him, that inspiration and divine guidance intervene before it’s too late. –Ram Danger