Capcom Promotes Dark Void At Expense of Universe

In the end, will all the galaxies recede from one another, leaving us alone in a dark, empty void? Capcom's promotional excess seems to point in that direction.

SUNNYVALE,CA—Promoting its upcoming Xbox 360/PS3 title, Dark Void, by giving away a Tesla Roadster was just the beginning of what has turned into Capcom’s unprecedented corporate giveaway orgy. Capcom’s Promotions Director, Ellie Vascom, has revealed that the Tesla raised so many eyebrows and garnered such vast fan interest that Capcom has practically thrown open its coffers to satisfy consumer demand for high-end goodies.

“The Tesla was very cool, and we received more than 10 million web site hits in less than 30 minutes when we made the announcement,” said Vascom. “Since then, interest has gone through the roof! We’ve already logged 2.4 million presales, so we started thinking that if we get this sort of interest with an electric car, what else could we giveaway to generate even greater interest?”

Apparently, the answer is everything. Capcom’s follow up promotions include a complete genome sequencing worth three million dollars, an experimental gyrocopter powered by dandelion oil ($1.5 million), a luxury Boeing 757 complete with hot tub and Imax theater ($33 million), Dick Cheney’s back-up end-of-the-world ranch in an undisclosed Montana location ($19 million) and the world’s first and only fully operational flying super hero combat suit by Rimco Industries—priceless. Besides the top prize tier, Capcom is giving away thousands of Mega Man chia pets and one million Resident Evil zombie protection helmets.

“The Z.P. Helmets aren’t tested,” Vascom admitted. “It’s hard enough to find real zombies—at least outside of D.C.—and once you do have some zombies, I’ve got to tell you, getting test volunteers is a real bitch. We tried to test the helmets by putting them on some turkeys, but it seems that zombies don’t really hunger for turkey brains.”

Resident zombie expert, Dominiqe Frontenescu concurred. “Zombies feed not out of appetite, but because they must have the essence of the victim. It is a lust for quenching the life force that they no longer have. It is trey sad.”

Where will the giving end? Vascom isn’t sure that there is a need to stop spending like there’s no tomorrow. “It seems that for every dollar we spend on this promotion, we get two or three dollars back on presales. In fact, the rate of return is actually accelerating. It reminds me of the cosmological theory of inflation, which counter-intuitively proposes that the expansion of the universe is actually increasing over time.”

But Capcom seems oblivious to the implications of their promotion which, if carried to its logical conclusion, would see the company and its consumers eventually expending the world’s entire inventory of wealth in promotional giveaways and presales leading up to Dark Void’s launch. So IGNN asked the following question: Is Dark Void worth it?

“It’s a darn good game,” said Vascom.

Ironically, perhaps, the eventual fate of an ever-expanding universe is a cold, barren, lightless void, where even the owner of a Tesla Roadster will meet an infinitely lonely end. –Dr. Jess Ariella