IGNN–The Imaginary Game News Network

REDWOOD CITY, CA–In a recent press conference, EA spokesperson, Marv Lentil, shocked the gaming world when he announced, “It has officially left the game.” in response to a reporter’s question about the famous EA Sports slogan.  Following a stunned silence, Lentil added, “The undefined nature of It was always a problem for EA Sports. What is It, everyone wanted to know. Of course, if we revealed what It was, then we would also have a problem because we’d be giving away trade secrets and damaging our own brand. It, frankly, put us between a rock and a hard place. So we have parted ways with It. I should say that the parting was amicable, and even a bit tearful. Peter was blubbing like a baby.”

Speculation arose recently after sightings of It were reported visiting several other video game publishers, including Take Two and THQ, but when IGNN contacted those companies and asked if they had been considering hiring a new slogan, they declined to comment.

In a story that may have prompted the fateful press conference question, Un-Wired reporter E. Blennish discussed the demise of the almost mythical status of It following the Dean Kamen debacle surrounding the launch of the Segway.

“Hype about what It was grew to such a crescendo prior to Its unveiling that nothing short of a shift in the technological paradigm would have satisfied the public’s hunger,” wrote Blennish. “Do you recall that Kamen said that It would change urban life and usher in a new, golden age? People truly wanted to believe in It. But when the Segway was finally rolled out for inspection and President Bush managed to fall off the damn thing, It’s reputation was sullied perhaps beyond repair.”

Current It-Girl Megan Fox, star of Jennifer’s Body, was not available to comment on her personal relationship with It, but sources close to the couple indicate that It has been difficult since the parting with EA Sports.

Oskar Valantino, while strolling on Rodeo Drive recently, passed close enough to Fox and It to overhear snippets of their conversation. “It seemed dangerously moody,” reported Valantino, an unemployed actor who specializes in romantic lead roles but who may be best remembered as an elbow in a CSI episode from last season, “and I think It might have been on something because It kept blabbing about a curse. Oh, yeah, and It had grown a three-foot long spotted tail. It looked like a Jaguar or something.”

Previous It-Girls Paris Hilton and Yasmine Bleeth both confirmed that It had a tendency to generate a luxurious tail when It grew despondent.

“It was very insecure,” said Hilton. “But Its tail was super sexy.”

Peter Moore of EA Sports was quick to deny any mental health issues with It. “It was as sane as you or me or that monster that’s about to eat your head,” he reportedly told a man on the street. “As for the brand, we still have the right to use It in slogans or any other marketing tactic whenever we choose to do so. Do you have any idea how many Its there are out there? Personal pronouns are a dime a dozen.”

But development team members who worked on EA Sports titles, and who had first-hand knowledge of implementing It in the games, told IGNN a hauntingly different story.”

“I don’t think It ever wanted to be in the game in the first place,” said Timothy Snibbits, a programmer who worked closely with It on several projects. “It once told me that It dreamed of finding a little ranch somewhere in Montana where It could live free while waiting for the end of civilization. It was quite concerned that the end was nigh.”

When we questioned IT Manager, Carlos DelPosado, he muddied the water further by questioning the entire premise of Its existence. “IT stands for information technology. You don’t put IT into a game like a line of code. IT is the structure of everything we do.”

Meanwhile, It continues to stay in seclusion, shunning the limelight and, ostensibly, grooming its furry, spotted new tail. When, if ever, It will return to cajole us into the next season of Madden or any of EA Sports’ franchises, we simply don’t know. It remains, as always, an enigma. –Gideon Chazwit-Stoop