The November issue of Teddy Bear Week

STAPLETON, GA–Teddy Bear Week’s pick for the company that best embodies the values of the teddy bear–namely cuddleosity, humility, softicity, cuteility and squeezeability–shocked the plush toy industry as well as the award’s winner, video game giant Nintendo. Teddy Bear Week’s editorial board made the surprise announcement one day after BusinessWeek announced that Nintendo was its pick for best company of the year. Editor-in-chief Dana Michelit emphasized that TBweek’s choice had been made several weeks prior to the announcement and that their pick was in no way influenced by BusinessWeek.

“The plush toy industry owes a huge debt to Nintendo and its dynamic licensing department,” explained Michelit. “The quantity and quality of plush toys that Nintendo licenses, from plush Marios to plush Kirbys is simply remarkable. But what we really focus on is the business itself, its operational excellence, its values and culture, and we believe that Nintendo is just the fuzziest, feel-goodiest company ever.”

A company spokesperson addressed the award in a hastily convened press conference in Redmond. “Frankly, this honor came out of the blue,” said Sydney Rask. “We fully expected to win the BusinessWeek award, of course. All humility aside, who else is there! But to be recognized by the preeminent plush toy industry weekly journal is a huge thrill for everyone at Nintendo of America and Nintendo’s home office in Kyoto, not to mention Nintendo’s many affiliates and subsidiaries around the globe.”

In Michelit’s statement to the press, she stated several factors that weighed heavily in Nintendo’s favor, and she shared several surprising insights about other candidates for the annual award.

“First of all, Nintendo’s president is the most adorable and cuddly CEO of all-time,” she wrote, referring to NCL’s top man, Satoru Iwata, who many in the industry have dubbed The Iron Panda for his twin traits of firmness and cuddliness. “Furthermore, everyone who works in the organization is trained to be sweet and accommodating. You just want to pinch their little cheeks.”

In fact, Nintendo has acknowledged how this pinching tendency has caused many employees to wear protective facial gear while in public to counter the many grandmas and distant older cousins who attempt to pinch them. But we digress…

“We considered over five million companies in our most exhaustive search ever,” continued Michelit. “And for the first time we looked beyond the relatively quiet waters of the plush toy industry. What we discovered is that there are a lot of very huggable corporations out there. For instance, in the video game industry, we also loved Sega and, some might be shocked by this one, Take Two Interactive, where the culture is not at all indicative of the company’s violent games.”

Michelit noted Take Two’s practice of encouraging workers to wear their pajamas on one Friday each month and bring a favorite storybook to work for company circle time. She also said that neither Microsoft nor Sony made the final cut.

A Microsoft spokesperson responded philosophically: “Everyone loves to hate us. We’re aware of that and we’re okay with it because we like who we are.” Nobody at Sony responded to our request for a comment; the phone message indicated only that all personnel were busy preparing the robots.

Surprisingly, BusinessWeek’s description of Nintendo contrasted dramatically with that of Teddy Bear Week, calling Nintendo’s business practices smart, ruthless, disruptive and hungry enough to warrant the company a spot on the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week.

“It’s a mistake to think that Nintendo is a harmless cutie pie corporation,” said an anonymous close friend to an anonymous BusinessWeek editor. “These folks play hardball with grenades that will blow your head off. The video game industry is a war by other means, and the Nintendo shock troops are like Navy Seals cleverly disguised to appear comically cute and approachable. But if you stumble within their range they are merciless.”

“Ridiculous,” countered Dana Michelit, when we told her of the anonymous charges. “Did you know that Reggie Fils-Aime operates a home for lost bunnies, and he personally pets an orphan bunny each and every morning. How often do you pet orphan bunnies?”

Nintendo’s Sydney Rask summed up the company’s sentiment. “It’s one thing to receive an award from your industry peers, but to be singled-out and honored by someone who just loves you for who you are, well, that is something particularly special.”

In related news, The Imaginary Game News Network has learned that Nintendo is also on the short list for several more awards, including the Presidential Medal for Corporate Distinction, the coveted Royal Order of Stuffed Badgers, which is bestowed annually by the British monarch on an individual or organization that best embodies the values of dead, posed badgers wearing formal attire, the Nobel prize for Health Advocacy & Goofy Fun, the XZ Prize being offered by Miles Lipstich of Arcadia, New Zealand to the person or company that can explain to him why his wife, Kim, has been seen fooling around with hobbits, and the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation Best Company in Redmond Award, which for the last three years has gone to Der Bagel Shoppe. –Ram Danger