IGNN–The Imaginary Game News Network

President Obama speaks to Congress about his American video game initiative.

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Having attained the pinnacle of political and humanitarian honors with this year’s Nobel Peace prize, President Barack Obama has set his sights on an even more elusive goal–to win the coveted Academy of Interactive Arts & Sciences Best Game of the Year Award.

In yesterday’s surprise address to both houses of Congress, the President outlined his game-changing plan: “I intend to create a game that all Americans will have the right and obligation to purchase and enjoy, and I swear to you now that this All-American video game will be ready for launch by this Holiday shopping season.”

The audacious plan that Mr. Obama went on to detail called for congress to generate a bill mandating the content, production, marketing and support of what is being referred to as the All-American Video Game. According to the President, the game should be something any American–from toddlers to centurions–can play and enjoy. It must be accessible in one form or another on every digital platform, including game consoles, handheld devices, PCs (although the Mac version won’t be available for another year) and car navigation systems. It must include nothing offensive to any reasonable person, including references, images or depictions of any of the following topics: sex, drugs, smoking, drinking, farting, clogging, nose-picking, belching, cussing, leering, Coldplay, tongues, drooling, blood, boogers, urine, feces and/or France. Furthermore, the American chief executive insisted that the game must include a friendly mascot with a jocular swagger who carries a big gun that shoots something squishy.

“If it’s not squishy,” the President explained forcefully, “someone could sustain a virtual injury. I say to you, NOT ON MY WATCH!” He went on to describe his fondness for Nerf-like toys and how as a boy he had a Nerf basketball and door-connected hoop that he played with for hours.  

The Republican response was notably mild in comparison to the harsh language the opposition party has used during the recent Health Care debate. House Minority leader Rep. Ralph Kramden (R-The Moon) called the proposal “insane”, “as full of holes as a thing full of holes”, “monopolistic”, “simplistic”, “the sort of video game proposal Hitler was famous for making”, “the beginning of the end of civilization”, “a puppy-torturing, flag-burning, terrorist-hugging, God-murdering experiment in stupidity and ineptitude”, “anti-Bushian”, “and a plot that denies Americans choice and will indoctrinate American children to worship liberalism and slay their parents in their sleep.”

Understandably, Mr. Obama painted the project in more patriotic hues. “I believe in my heart of hearts that a great country must have a great video game, and so I will take the reins of this project humbly conscious that what I know about making a video game could fit in Rahm Emanuel’s left nostril. At the end of the day, I hope to offer every American a healthful, entertaining, thought-provoking interactive experience worthy of Game of the Year.”

First Lady, Michelle Obama, commented after her husband’s speech: “He’s really a big game guy, you know. It’s not just basketball. You might have heard this, but we hold Wii Wednesday Game Nights where we invite all the White House staff to come to the residence and play games. Of course, we insist that everyone who plays wears the safety wrist strap. We learned the hard way when Rahm got a bit overly rambunctious one night and smashed a collection of priceless tea cups once owned by Martha Washington. Oops!”

Gaming executives were concerned that the crash program would deplete their resources and create a competitor with an unfair advantage.

“I don’t see how I have much chance at Game of the Year now,” said Marc Slubert, president of indie developer Groper Games, the maker of iPhone’s sexy Squeeze Player game app that combines baseball, stalking and multiplayer accordion competitions. “Sex sells, but it doesn’t win awards, at least not when you’re competing with a force of history.”

President Obama concluded his remarks with an invitation to dream. “I invite you all to share my dream of a game created with American ingenuity and American skill, marketed to Americans and sold to them for the price of a ham sandwich using American dollars processed through a newly restructured and benevolent American banking system. I invite you all to play American! Good night. God bless you! And God bless America and all of her gamers!” –Ib Sanchez

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