Wearing pajamas and declaring themselves "The FTC's Happy Elves" the Bloggers Association of America (BAA) spontaneously celebrated the announcement of the new review guidelines.

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Independent game journalists and bloggers responded today with gratitude and relief to the recent policy statement by the Federal Trade Commission mandating transparency in online product reviews and testimonials.

“I was so happy that this move was finally made that I ran outside and danced in the street wearing only my professional blogger uniform consisting of saggy underwear and threadbare bathrobe,” confessed citizen journalist and game industry blogger, Mike Meizerto. “This policy guideline is like a beautiful gift to all bloggers.”

Meizerto and others were moved to tears of joy by the FTC’s guidelines governing the practice of receiving free copies of games for review. Under the new rules, bloggers would have to divulge whether a reviewed game was received without payment. “Traditional journalists, who are guided by ethical considerations of fair play, always return reviewed games once they’ve completed them,” noted an FTC spokesperson. “This practice clearly preserves their position of impartiality, which is necessary if consumers are to have confidence that they are reading an objective review.”

“As an untrained and unethical citizen journalist,” said Meizerto, “I have been living a terrible lie. All of us bloggers have. You see, when we receive free copies of games, we simply can’t help ourselves and we give those games embarrassingly obsequious, boot-licking reviews. Words of praise such as fantastico, stupenderamous, giganterrific and amazilingus just appear in my reviews as if by magic. Now, due to this enlightened ruling by the FTC, we have the help and the tools that we need to break free of this terrible cycle of brown-nosing. I expect I won’t feel compelled to award another perfect ’10′ to any game for the rest of my life no matter how incredible it is. In fact, I may never go above five again.”

The ruling on journalistic transparency was announced after a closed-door session of the FTC’s governing commission on Interactive Trade Practices and Blogging Control, sometimes referred to within the FTC as the Kindergarten Cops. “Bloggers are like little children in a candy shop,” stated a different and slightly shorter anonymous FTC source. “Nobody blames them, of course. But somebody has to protect the American consumer from reviews derived from free copies of games. Even if a review is substantially negative, that negativity may stem from the blogger’s displaced anger at a system that forces them to accept free review material, which naturally suggests to any observer that a negative review is just over-compensation for a game that the reviewer truly believes is extraordinary. In fact, the more negative a review is, the more likely readers are to buy the game,” claimed the source, referring to a classified study that he could not reveal or name without risking his own life.

Mike Meizerto, whose award-winning blog, GameIts, has already been updated to indicate the origin of every game he’s reviewed, agrees whole-heartedly. “Frankly, I don’t think they should stop with this one guideline. Free review games are just the tip of the ice berg. I would hope that the FTC addresses the scores of issues every blogger faces that prevents them from behaving in an ethical and professional manner. Like working in their pajamas, for starters. I am so sick of having to wear smelly old sleepwear half the day; and for my blogger friends who sleep in the nude it’s actually a health concern since they’re quite likely to get a chill working naked.”

Meizerto’s list for FTC blogger guidelines includes banning work after 2 a.m., forcing bloggers to acknowledge their families at least once in every 24-hour period, limiting caffeinated beverages to 36 oz. per day, and establishing a profit litmus test so that addicted bloggers must show that their activities result in financial gain. But topping Meizerto’s list is the need for a sacred oath to be taken by all bloggers, who would vow to uphold the guidelines and suggestions of the FTC.

“All I can say is, God bless the FTC for their profound wisdom and direction. More power to ‘em,” wept Meizerto.”

IGNN contacted several professional game reviewers for their ethical opinions on the ruling, and they also agreed that the FTC was leading the industry into a golden age of transparency.

“Well, if we’re being literal about this, a new age of transparency can have only a golden glow about it or it would be opaque,” corrected managing editor BFG BlasterBoy of Hardcore Player magazine. BFG went on to say that he previously felt sorrow for the plight of his unethical blogging brethren. “I know that once I’ve completed a game and written a review, I don’t feel comfortable until that bad boy is back in the mail and headed home to its maker. If that game were sitting on the shelf gathering dust, I can’t imagine the horrific pressure I would feel to publish outrageous claims in favor of the game’s publisher. I think I would just feel dirty all the time.”

Gamers that IGNN contacted also shared their thoughts about the FTC’s stewardship and munificence in this matter.

“If it’s written, I believe it,” stated gamer and librarian Stuart Titledger. “And I don’t think I’m alone in this. We’re raised to believe that the written word is absolute truth, and readers are far too gullible to be trusted to think about what they’re reading and to question its truthiness. Bloggers need to realize that their words, once committed to the Internet, will live forever, and that they will have the power to move mountains and part seas…at least in the minds of the reader. With this new FTC guideline in place, I for one will sleep easier knowing that the reviews I read will not be biased because the reviewer hid the fact that they received the game for free.”

The Imaginary Game News Network, of course, being the world’s only source of purely imaginative game news reporting, was given special status by a third, anonymous FTC spokesperson who happened to be on his lunch break when our reporter questioned him. “The FTC has no jurisdiction over imaginary game reviews. We believe that anyone who believes a single word that you bozos print probably requires professional psychiatric care.” –Gideon Chazwit-Stoop