IGNN–The Imaginary Game News Network

Happy Haven, a retirement home for nearly forgotten video game mascots, has seen an outpouring of concern for resident Bubsy the Bobcat.

CORAL GABLES, FL—The memory of one-time video game hero and corporate mascot, Bubsy the bobcat, has faded almost entirely from human memory, but to the pantheon of video game mascots, the prospect of Bubsy’s impending passing is a matter of no small concern and an opportunity to support those game characters who are no longer active in the gaming community.

Digging through dusty stacks of old video game magazines and lonely web pages that hadn’t been visited for a decade, IGNN has been able to ascertain the following facts: Bubsy’s career began in 1993, when Bubsy in: Claws Encounters of the Furred Kind launched for the Super NES. The frolicsome bobcat was touted as the next Mario or Sonic, but four years later, cruel fate stepped in with blistering reviews of Bubsy 3D, including GameSpot’s headline: “Of all the 3-D action/platform games out for the Playstation, Bubsy 3D is the least fun.” The bobcat never appeared in another game.

“It really makes you stop and think,” said Sonic the hedgehog, who along with dozens of other video game mascots travelled to this Florida retirement community to wish Bubsy well as he struggled to remain within the consciousness of the one human who still has an inkling that he once led a dynamic digital life. But Dwayne Filletier, a one-time employee of defunct video game publisher Accolade—Bubsy’s corporate parent–who currently operates a topless latte stand in Coral Gables, seemed preoccupied with his struggling business when IGNN asked him to comment on Bubsy’s status.

“That cat never did nothin’ for me and I’ve got a business to run,” said Filletier, adding, “They said going topless was a sure thing, but all I’ve got out of it is a third-degree sunburn, a flooded kiosk when it frickin’ rains and pelican poop to clean off the espresso machine every morning. So, you gonna order somthin’ or what?”

But to many, Bubsy’s fate is a personal matter. “When people forget about a mascot,” mused Aero the Acrobat, “it’s like they never existed, and a little piece of us passes away. Our epitaphs may be written in Wikipedia, but without a memory of a name, who’s going to look us up?”

“So many hopes and dreams have been dashed in this industry,” added Banjo of Rare’s Banjo and Kazooie mascot duo, “sometimes it makes me sit down and blubber in despair.”

“Let me tell you something,” squawked Kazooie, leaning around Banjo’s head to interject her response, “there’s nothing worse than the smell of wet bear, except maybe Conker after a night of boozing at the Petulant Pig in Twycross–that squirrel actually uses his junk as a swizzle stick. Gross!”

The heroes began arriving last week as news spread through the mascot community that Bubsy was in trouble. As a result, Happy Haven, the retirement home for nearly forgotten mascots, where Bubsy has been languishing for years, has become a temporary residence for much of the world’s video game characters.

“It’s like a Who’s Who of game heroes around here,” said Thelma Burksey, a caregiver at Happy Haven. “Most of them are quite nice, but they do get frisky at times. That Crash Bandicoot did a reach-around on one of our candy stripers yesterday and she gave him a black eye.”

Other workers at the facility spoke of mascots laying out trails of food items, coins and wooden crates in the hallways then bouncing from one item to the next or gobbling up everything in sight and crapping out power ups that tended to explode if you touched them. Donkey Kong was told to clean up dozens of squashed banana bunches or leave the premises, while Kid Klown (who is also a resident of the home) was discovered stringing a series of bombs down the back stairwell.

Another long-time Happy Haven resident, Plok, tried to put the situation into perspective. “I see myself in the same position as Bubsy,” the colorful but forgettable Software Creations character told IGNN. “If it wasn’t for Bobby Gilles-Simmons of Brentworth on Avon (UK), I would have faded years ago. I live in fear that Bobby’s ancient Super NES might fail any day or that he makes a friend. And that could be the fate of anyone here, even the greats.”

Indeed, the greatest mascot of them all, Mario–whose “Q” popularity rating once exceeded that of non-video game hero and Lord of All Creation, God–arrived yesterday along with his brother, Luigi, Princess Peach and Bowser. The Mushroom Kingdom visitors have remained in seclusion with Bubsy, but in a press release issued this morning, Mario suggested that there might be a way to end this sad state of affairs: “I urge Shigeru Miyamoto and Masahiro Sakurai to include all video game characters in a future version of Super Smash Bros., not just as a means of creating the best fighting game in history, but to preserve the heritage of those brave characters who have served without complaint even as they suffered untold indignities and died millions of times over for the entertainment of mankind. It’s the least they can do for us. I say, it stops here. We can’t let the memory of Bubsy die!”

The famous [human] game designers were not available for comment, but an informal survey at Happy Haven that included Ty the Tasmanian Tiger, Mr. Nutz, Ratchet and Clank, Spyro the Dragon, the Lost Vikings and dozens of other mascots in attendance at Bubsy’s vigil all enthusiastically embraced Mario’s suggestion.

Said Bonk, “I’m for it, even if it means living forever with a head the size of a giant melon.”

In the meantime, this exclusive IGNN story may help bolster Bubsy’s chances to survive. If enough people read this and keep the memory of Bubsy alive, then perhaps hope still exists. –Ib Sanchez