IGNN–The Imaginary Game News Network

Mr. Iwata contemplates a rematch

KYOTO, Japan–Nintendo CEO Satoru Iwata created a stir in yesterday’s quarterly press conference with Japanese financial analysts by stating that recent Wii sales shortfalls could be directly linked to domestic fowl, namely chickens. Acknowledging that Wii sales had been taking a drubbing in recent months, Iwata-san vowed to do everything in his power to turn the situation around and return the company to triple digit profit growth within the next two weeks. Iwata cited the world-wide economic malaise as one of the causes for Wii’s shrinking profits, but he surprised most industry watchers by attaching further blame to chickens.

“Our market research leaves absolutely no doubt that over 47% of our drop in profitability is directly linked to chickens,” Mr. Iwata told the financial reporters. “And we’re not going to take this sitting down.”

Iwata revealed that chickens, and to a lesser degree turkeys, ducks and geese, were fowl, and that in looking for factors that had led to decreased consumer spending Nintendo’s financial experts had uncovered suggestions of what they termed “fowl play.”

“We discovered that as Wii sales fell,” Iwata stated, “there was a corresponding rise in sales of chicken products, and to a lesser degree turkey and duck-derived products. At present we are employing some of the finest investigators in the world to get to the bottom of this. It can hardly be a coincidence.”

At that time, the normally conservative Mr. Iwata revealed a plucky alter-ego as he stripped off his dark suit to reveal that underneath he was wearing a pair of boxing shorts while an assistant helped him lace up a pair of boxing gloves.

“I intend to beat it out of them,” Iwata shouted to the audience, dancing and punching the air with the skills he had developed from years of playing Wii Sports Boxing. Gasps of shock could be heard throughout the room when a live Rhode Island Red rooster was led onto the stage and pushed toward Nintendo’s vigorous chief executive.

“We want answers!” barked Iwata as he lashed out at the terrified bird. The rooster dodged like a butterfly, then darted in to sting like a bee with several viciously delivered pecks at Iwata’s ankle. Crippled by the attack, Mr. Iwata collapsed beside the podium ranting about feathers then crying that he never really like Billy Hatcher until animal control officers came and took him away while the rooster fled.

A Nintendo spokeswoman announced to the stunned audience that the press conference was over and that they would receive a report later concerning Mr. Iwata’s injuries.

Hiro Sayamata, a reporter for Nintendo Cream magazine in Japan, was horrified by the event. “I had so much respect and admiration for Mr. Iwata,” our translator conveyed, “but I think the surprising recent financial returns have turned him into a completely different person. I am reminded of the tale of the grasshopper and the eagle and of the blue skies on a frozen winter morning, such sadness for the world I lament with all my…” [The remaining portion of the quote proved impossible to translate as it rather vaguely alluded to Japanese cultural referents dealing with plum blossoms that open too early in the Spring and the resulting emotions of a passing cloud that weeps uncontrollably, which causes a flood, which destroys a village, which is seen by a wise man as a sign that he'd better buy some galoshes.]

Derek Sevilli, senior op-ed editor for Gamespunk.com, was less sentimental in his analysis. “Iwata, in my opinion, had it all wrong about the chickens,” Sevilli told us flatly. “In my opinion, the real reason for a decline in Wii sales is global warming. With all the nice weather, people are spending more time outside and less time playing video games. I think this is going to be a continuing trend, so Iwata and everyone else are just going to have to get used to it.”

Later, a press release from Nintendo said that Mr. Iwata was resting comfortably and that he demanded a rematch with the bird. –Hoji Sosumi