IGNN–The Imaginary Game News Network

During the episode of mild animated violence, witnesses stated that the employee sarcastically ranted over and over, “Is this dangerous? Tell me, is this dangerous?”

The incarcerated animator’s mother told reporters that her son had been under a great deal of pressure at work lately. “He was working on Modern Warfare 2 and he had to review all this video footage of violent game play every day. Just imagine watching eight hours straight of death and destruction and not having any control over what’s happening in the game. That’s what’s criminal–exposing employees to this level of second-hand animated violence. Is it any wonder that they go off the deep end now and then; and I have it on good authority that it can cause cancer, too.”

Attempting to refute such assertions, an ESRB spokesdonkey brayed endlessly at gathered reporters, who eventually left the animal and went for a drink. But a source close to the ESRB revealed that such occurrences are not uncommon at the video game consumer watchdog organization.

“I know for a fact that the guy who had to monitor the footage on all the Electroplankton DSware minigames went stark raving mad,” revealed the source. “His parents had to commit him to a hospital upstate, where he now believes that he’s an amoeba living in a psychedelic Petri dish. And that’s nothing compared to what happened to the woman who had to watch the Dragon Ball: Raging Blast tapes.

Let’s just say that middle-aged women who suddenly begin acting like Piccolo and painting themselves green are going to have trouble holding onto a job unless they’re in the cast of Wicked.”

IGNN contacted noted workplace psychologist Dr. Joen Johns-Beeker to get an assessment of the real dangers presented by the necessary but perilous work performed by the selfless employees of the ESRB.

“They are like frontline soldiers in some ways,” Dr. Johns-Beeker informed us. “Day after day they are exposed to mind-numbing violence that is completely out of the scope of everyday life. One day it’s vampires and werewolves, the next it’s a futuristic killing ground where android assassins materialize out of the fallout of a holocaust, and to make matters worse these workers have no control over the environment they find themselves forced to deal with. They absorb the violence, but where is the release? All I can say is thank goodness that in this case the violence was mild. I wouldn’t want to be around when one of those workers unleashes a strong animated violence spree.”

Charges have yet to be filed in the case, and indications from the prosecutor’s office are that the alleged perpetrator may simply be banned from owning, using or being in the vicinity of sticky note pads for up to six months and perhaps perform some type of public service, such as teaching children the dangers of second-hand video game viewing. This reporter, however, feels as if there are many questions that need to be answered or the violence will surely escalate. –Timm Bingo