The Masked Debaters

IGNN tackles the critical questions of the day.

The resolution: Nintendo is more like Mario than Wario.

Arguing For– Angelique

Arguing Against–Diablo

Angelique: It’s obvious, isn’t it. Only a moron would question this premise, and you, sir, can only prove your inadequate mental capacity by opening your mouth in opposition to it.

Diablo: Madame, not only are you the esteemed whore of carnies and a toad-kissing sycophant, your position on this matter of great importance is less informed than that of a trout who is asked to adjudicate a matter of international commerce between two desert nations.

Angelique: I’ve never kissed a toad, sir, but if you were a toad I’d save a special kiss of instant death to plant on your foul lips.

Diablo: And if I were a toad, madame, I’d hop all over your body until you became a mass of warts so hideous to behold that you’d be forced to wear a diving suit to cover your entire body if perchance you wished to bathe in public.

Angelique: Blow me, sir.

Diablo: Impossible, madame.

Angelique: Then consider the premise–Mario is everything you are not: bold, courageous, heroic, selfless and his gloves are always spotless, whereas your gloves are covered in goat filth. And Nintendo itself embodies these traits, courageously venturing into the blue oceans of discovery, heroically saving entire industries from their own sloth and mismanagement, and providing sinks and soap on company property for the express purpose of maintaining clean hands and good health.

Diablo: And Wario is rich in all that matters, no less rich than the fecund goodness of fresh goat soil. He is productive and, in point of fact, he owns his own microgame publishing business. I put it to you, madame (and by that I’m not suggesting anything naughty) that Wario is the very personification of Nintendo’s industrial preeminence.

Angelique: Posh.

Diablo: I don’t believe that word means what you think it means.

Angelique: Then, bullshit.

Diablo: Such language reflects well upon your character, madame. I do believe that you are learning. Let me just add that greed is at the heart of all progress, for what is greed if not desire, and what drives mankind to progress but for the desire to achieve new status or comfort or wealth? Nintendo and Wario have succeeded beyond even my wildest dreams of success. Who could have foreseen that a fat, purple-nosed git would become one of the video game industry’s most popular anti-heroes, or that a company that once thought a computerized knitting machine was a clever idea could string together so much success that no lesser a publication than the esteemed BusinessWeek now acknowledges its global hegemony.

Angelique: Preposterous, sir. Your very proof disproves your point, for it was the much esteemed congratulations of Teddy Bear Week that showcased the good works of Nintendo, thus proving that the course is set for the triumph of cuddly capitalism.

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