Angelique: It’s obvious, isn’t it. Only a moron would question this premise, and you, sir, can only prove your inadequate mental capacity by opening your mouth in opposition to it.

Diablo: Madame, not only are you the esteemed whore of carnies and a toad-kissing sycophant, your position on this matter of great importance is less informed than that of a trout who is asked to adjudicate a matter of international commerce between two desert nations.

Angelique: I’ve never kissed a toad, sir, but if you were a toad I’d save a special kiss of instant death to plant on your foul lips.

Diablo: And if I were a toad, madame, I’d hop all over your body until you became a mass of warts so hideous to behold that you’d be forced to wear a diving suit to cover your entire body if perchance you wished to bathe in public.

Angelique: Blow me, sir.

Diablo: Impossible, madame.

Angelique: Then consider the premise–Mario is everything you are not: bold, courageous, heroic, selfless and his gloves are always spotless, whereas your gloves are covered in goat filth. And Nintendo itself embodies these traits, courageously venturing into the blue oceans of discovery, heroically saving entire industries from their own sloth and mismanagement, and providing sinks and soap on company property for the express purpose of maintaining clean hands and good health.

Diablo: And Wario is rich in all that matters, no less rich than the fecund goodness of fresh goat soil. He is productive and, in point of fact, he owns his own microgame publishing business. I put it to you, madame (and by that I’m not suggesting anything naughty) that Wario is the very personification of Nintendo’s industrial preeminence.

Angelique: Posh.

Diablo: I don’t believe that word means what you think it means.

Angelique: Then, bullshit.

Diablo: Such language reflects well upon your character, madame. I do believe that you are learning. Let me just add that greed is at the heart of all progress, for what is greed if not desire, and what drives mankind to progress but for the desire to achieve new status or comfort or wealth? Nintendo and Wario have succeeded beyond even my wildest dreams of success. Who could have foreseen that a fat, purple-nosed git would become one of the video game industry’s most popular anti-heroes, or that a company that once thought a computerized knitting machine was a clever idea could string together so much success that no lesser a publication than the esteemed BusinessWeek now acknowledges its global hegemony.

Angelique: Preposterous, sir. Your very proof disproves your point, for it was the much esteemed congratulations of Teddy Bear Week that showcased the good works of Nintendo, thus proving that the course is set for the triumph of cuddly capitalism.

Diablo: You have the intellectual rigor of a catfish, madame. Consider Mario’s hapless affair with Princess Peach, in which the overmatched plumber continually loses the object of his affection game after game. To lose her once might be considered unfortunate. To lose her twice might be considered careless. But to lose her more than a dozen times suggests a level of incompetence that plumbs the depths of credibility and which should give historians something to consider as they seek a comparative measure for rating the performance of the former President.

Angelique: Don’t you mean former President George W. Bush?

Diablo: I do not, madame. That would be absurd, for he alone was responsible for more good in the world–as I see it–than any dozen or more of the lesser men who have held that high office. No, madame, I refer to the former President of the Memphis Chapter of the Fraternal Order of Horse Wooers, who reached the nadir of competence when he attempted the seduction of a Clydesdale named Hank.

Angelique: You, sir, are the most repugnant of all men, and repugnance breeds contempt while contempt breeds, well, something much worse than contempt, which is why your arguments are contemptible and built on a foundation of clay. I claim victory and declare all of your arguments moot and tepid. Nintendo is more like Mario than Wario, and you are more like a mucus-coated lining of an internal organ than a man.

Diablo: Do you really mean that?

Angelique: I do, sir.

Diablo: Tepid?

Angelique: Well, maybe I was confused. You are still a bit of a firebrand.

Diablo: Very well, then. I concede. You win, dear lady. The premise was flawed anyway because Wario is really a minor character who isn’t all that bad; and the fact is that Nintendo as a corporate entity doesn’t really resemble either character. I’d like to know who came up with this stupid premise in the first place. I’d give them a few warts.

Angelique: Oh, Bloey. You’re so wicked.

Diablo: Listen, Angie. There’s no one here but the two of us (and that sorry bastard who’s reading this, of course) so what do you say about ditching the debate and maybe getting a drink?

Angelique: Mojitos?

Diablo: Yeah, and maybe a ham sandwich. All that debating has left me famished.

Angelique: I think I’d like something more filling than a ham sandwich, Bloey.

Diablo: Damn, Angie.

Next Week’s Resolution: Project Natal is the biggest thing to come down the mountain since Swiss cow bells.