IGNN–The Imaginary Game News Network

REDWOOD CITY, CA–Nintendo’s move into plus-sized hardware with the upcoming DSi LL reflects a growing awareness on the part of the company’s executives that Americans of all sizes prefer things larger. In recent comments, rooster-battling CEO Satoru Iwata has indicated taking an interest in the ridiculously large Amazon Kindle, which in comparison to Nintendo’s current handheld product, the DSi, is like a big bear compared to a rather smaller bear.

“I see how it might be compelling having a handheld system that is more like a large bear in some respects,” Iwata reportedly stated during an interview with a fellow passenger waiting for a flight out of Narita International Airport near Tokyo.

Jeff Bezos, Amazon’s founder and CEO, took the remark as a compliment: “We think the Kindle is the biggest bear in the forest,” remarked Bezos. “We designed it for big American paws and for weak American eyes, which requires that the screen can produce large text sizes.”

Samson Exeter of the American Optometry Association (the AOA) confirmed Bezos’ assessment of American visual acuity.

“Blind as bats is how I’d put it,” said Exeter. “We attribute this to playing too many handheld video games, so in my opinion it is the responsible thing to do for Nintendo to enlarge its devices.”

But the question still remains if bigger is better. Said Iwata’s airport companion, “He indicated to me that in many things bigger is better, but that there are exceptions, such as when facing an enraged rooster it is definitely better if the bird is smaller or deceased. Frankly, I thought it was an odd thing to say, but who am I to judge?”

As for the question of American myopia, Exeter added: “We’ve certainly seen a great deal of evidence suggesting a national epidemic of near-sightedness, from former President Bush’s constant squinting to the fact that you are about to be devoured by a lion that recently escaped from the Golden Gate Park Zoo…”