IGNN–The Imaginary Game News Network

But about 30 years ago things began to change. The first wave of video games was introduced, and suddenly my elves had to scramble to learn sophisticated new computer programming techniques. Our overhead shot through the roof as CE Inc. purchased millions of dollars worth of equipment while our power needs skyrocketed and we eventually had to install a new power generator based on burning caribou excrement, or caripoo, which I’m now told is a major contributor of atmospheric methane–a potent greenhouse gas. World leaders now bombard me with mail to cut the crap and embrace renewable energy, such as solar and wind power, apparently unaware of the unique problems we face here at the pole.

Like there’s no freaking sun here for three months every year, you brainiacs!

And yet the demand for computerized video games and toys increases yearly. We now have to research and develop thousands of new games for dozens of platforms, and even plush hamsters demand robotic interfaces, it seems. If any more of you clever bastards down south invents another iPhone or Droid, I will personally fill your stockings with polar bear poop. I used to leave coal, but the Green Earth Coalition has threatened to close down the Workshop if we so much as look at a lump of the stuff.

Listen, I don’t like chasing after polar bears with a scooper or baggie any more than you enjoy waking up Christmas morning with a house that smells like digested blubber. I want kids to be happy. But it’s you adults who are to blame. You’re the ones who demand ever-increasing profits even during a lame economy, advertising your brilliant new ideas and mesmerizing the youth of the world with promises of fun and excitement that could just as easily be fulfilled with a colorful box–which is exactly how this whole thing started.

Here’s a little history: The year was 1035 and I was just getting started in the Christmas business when the missus comes up with this clever idea to make Christmas cheerier by giving folks a red, painted wooden box. There was an excess of cranberries that year, and we figured that everyone could always use a nice wooden box, so we decided to give it a go. HUGE HIT. But what we didn’t expect was how much kids would take to the boxes. That’s how it started, and that’s what we need again. A return to boxes. Empty boxes made of renewable resources such as wood and cardboard. Nothing electronic. You’ve got birthdays, national holidays, and seven frigging days every week to sell your video games and computerized toys. Christmas comes just once a year, so why not make it special? A number of countries, such as England and Canada, are already working toward this solution, celebrating Boxing Day the day after Christmas. Now it’s time for the final solution–Christmas combined with Boxing Day. The concept of Christmas in a box is nothing new, and Christmas isn’t a thing, it’s a matter of faith and imagination, so an empty box is the perfect vessel for the celebration of this holiday. Let the world’s children recapture their imaginations and play with safe, lead-free boxes produced by master craft elves who, frankly, have never really been very keen on the electronics front as they keep electrocuting themselves when they screw around with wall sockets. Our health care costs are unbelievable!

So, here’s our proposed new Christmas slogan: Give a box. Save an elf. That’s all I have to say, except, of course, Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate it, and to the majority of the world’s population that thinks it’s all a bit silly, let’s talk some really great deals on very attractive boxes. We have a huge sale beginning December 26, and we’ve got to sell, sell, sell!