IGNN–The Imaginary Game News Network

By Daph Sebot

Is something wrong with me? I just want a game to play that I enjoy. I don’t want to kill anyone or anything. I don’t want to dress up or style a cartoon character’s hair. Isn’t there a game studio out there that can help me? Did I mention that my parents are stinking rich and I have a trust fund, and I’m taking a business course in high school and Dad said I could invest in a company as a learning experience?

So, here’s what I want: First, I want fast cars–but they have to be automatic transmission since I just wreck manuals. Sorry, Mom. And I want lots of adventure, some danger, and a really hot guy, but not one of those barbarian gods with rippling muscles and a bulging…oh, never mind. Anything you want as long as he’s hot and he doesn’t look like my brother, Darren. And romance. There is never EVER romance in games. I once played this old game of my Dad’s called Romance of the Three Kingdoms and there was no romance in it at all. No music. No candlelight. No making out. Why would someone name a game that and leave out the romance? I mean, who are you people making these games? What’s up with all the big boobs and guns? Where’s the fun in that? And I want an underwater city to visit with mermen. Naked mermen! And dolphins because once in Hawaii I swam around with some dolphins at the resort and they were totally friendly and so smooth and strong you just wanted to wrap your legs around them and ride off into the sunset.

Okay, forget everything I said before. I just want a game with a big dolphin in it. A big, slick, fast dolphin. I’m willing to pay for this, but I want to test it out before I pay you. And did I mention it has to be for Wii? Make the remote vibrate please. Thanks.