IGNN–The Imaginary Game News Network

HOKINAKA, JAPAN–A Spelunker fan was tragically killed by a falling tissue yesterday in this southerly Japanese city. On the scene accounts suggest that the 1/1000th of an ounce tissue sheet knocked the pith helmet-wearing gamer off his feet and smothered him almost instantly.

“He didn’t have a chance,” remarked Miseki Okiwura’s brother. Other family members and friends anxiously gathered around the fallen fan hoping that he had at least one remaining life and that he would be regenerated just like the wimpy hero of his favorite game, but the medical emergency staff that arrived declared the Spelunker fan completely dead and carted away the body.

The killer tissue was taken by police for forensic tests and questioning, but a preliminary report from the Hokinaka constabulary reveals that the tissue is not talking.

“Miseki was one of the biggest Spelunker friends ever,” stated long-time friend, Hiroshi Katamura. “We would play for hours, but of course we never really achieved anything because all you do in the game is die in many delightfully silly ways. I supposed it is some comfort that Miseki probably would have wanted to go in just this way.”

Tissue manufacturers around the world have responded with concern. Thick-N-Softee Tissue spokesperson Alison Fjord-Ormault pointed to a recent study conducted by Thick-N-Softee Tissue that allegedly proved no harm could come from being hit by one of their premium tissue sheets. “Even if you fired a Thick-N-Softee Tissue sheet from howitzer it wouldn’t kill a grasshopper,” said Fjord-Ormault, who added, “But I can’t speak for any other tissue brands, of course. They may use far more lethal materials.”

Equally tragic reports of Spelunker fans eerily expiring from the sort of humorous (albeit frustrating) deaths commonly encountered during Spelunker game play, have become almost a daily occurrence in Japan, where the most recent release of the classic title on PS3 has been causing chaos since last March.

“Three of my online friends have died comically tragic deaths,” confessed addicted Spelunker fan, Miko Hayibuto. “One stepped in front of a rolling hula hoop and was instantly killed. Another had the bad fortune to be slaughtered by a psychopathic gust of wind. And Umi Somayawa, my online BFF, fell victim to a motorist who viciously honked his horn at her. I hope that impatient motorist gets life.”

Life is one thing that seems to be in short supply for Spelunker fans, and nobody has any explanation for the untimely deaths.

“Normally, a grown man or woman can withstand an assault by a falling cherry blossom,” explained Dr. Kawasuto of the Inexplicable Mortality Institute of Kyoto in reference to the first of the so-called Spelunker Murders in Japan. “We’ve been studying these cases with great interest to see what could be causing the personal disasters. So far, however, we’ve got nothin’.”

Concerns are rising elsewhere in the world as a North American and European version has been rumored to be in the works. The game was featured at the PAX 2009 show in Seattle by Tozai Games. An unnamed Tozai spokesperson said only that no final plans had been made concerning the game, but that, “You know, sometimes weird stuff happens.”

But when weird stuff happens to kill people, those who survive want answers. IGNN will continue to investigate this troubling phenomenon from a safe distance to ensure that we survive to bring you all the facts, warnings and scary details.   Nell Chase