IGNN–The Imaginary Game News Network

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—I traveled to the Bay Area this past week anticipating a stay filled with exciting news, interviews, tutorials and scoops from this year’s primary Game Developers Conference. My expectations, based on previous experiences, were that I would feverishly write up numerous stories and send them back to IGNN for immediate publishing. Alas, it turned out that this year’s GDC—from an imaginary news perspective—was a complete bust.

All the news that I could discern turned out to be real. On Wednesday, of course, there was that brief rumor that Nintendo executives were crying like little girls when it was revealed that Xbox 360 won the February console sales war, but when it turned out that the story was substantially true, well, I could hardly report that.

I tried to imagine several stories about the release of Final Fantasy XIII, but they all involved Final Fantasy XIV, which anyone can tell you will be the next game in the series unless Square Enix is swallowed by a black hole, so I stashed that idea and went out on the town to explore.

It was after driving over the Golden Gate bridge and wandering the back roads of Marin County that I finally imagined a compelling story. Sitting outside the gate house of a private establishment, where a uniformed guard politely revealed that Mr. Lucas was not at home, it occurred to me that I must have arrived at Skywalker Ranch.

What would Nell Chase do, I thought? Investigate, obviously. So I parked my rental car nearby and hiked over the hills until I was outside the ranch buildings. I had managed to reach the front steps of the actual ranch house when I was seized by a squad of armor-clad stormtroopers and clubbed into unconsciousness. When I awoke, I was back at my room in my Mission District hotel—proof that I had imagined the entire event.

The next day I spent the morning walking the exhibition hall, marveling at how clever real game designers are and how all of them seem to have a weakness for wearing branded t-shirts. As it turns out, more than 73% of them wear branded t-shirts. Fortunately, I was able to cajole several branded t-shirts for my own wardrobe, but as personally edifying as this was, it didn’t seem to rise to the level of imagined news scoop.

What if, I surmised, something truly remarkable were to happen here. Perhaps Apple would announce a gaming initiative for iPad that allowed players to strap wheels to the tablet and skate around on it. Or maybe I could reveal that Uncharted 2 actually contains the secrets of the universe. While listening to a Microserf waxing eloquent about Project Natal’s ability to track the gyrating navel of a professional belly dancer, I briefly considered hanging up my hat and entering a different profession altogether. Then inspiration hit.

What is San Francisco known for. Earthquakes, of course. And sourdough. Rainbow coalitions. Hills. And political leanings that make Scandinavian countries appear downright conservative in comparison. And, number one on my list, fish. Fisherman’s wharf. Fresh crab cocktail. The smell of brine and the day’s catch. But what if the fish fought back? That was it. The story of the week. The story of the century. Enraged Fish Invade San Francisco! Giant groupers gnawing at the pilings of the Bay Bridge. Killer sardines spurting out of water faucets. Barbary Coast barracudas swarming into the city on waves generated by thrashing Great White Sharks. The citizens in a panic. GDC abandoned. Heroic fishermen called to save the city.

The only problem was that it had nothing to do with games. I just couldn’t get around that. I called Ram back at the office and predictably he suggested writing a story about tigers. So I went for a walk instead. Maybe something will come to me when I get back home. Maybe I’ll imagine an interview with Peter Molyneux’s artificial child creation, Milo. I could ask Milo if he thinks Peter is God. I imagine that might be interesting. In the meantime, please enjoy my snapshots of visiting San Francisco. –Gideon Chazwit-Stoop