Nintendo’s Big Plans
REDMOND, WA–According to documents seized by undercover investigators from a rival imaginary news agency (that shall remain nameless), the new Nintendo DSi XL is just the tip of the iceberg for Nintendo’s mobile gaming platform expansion plans. IGNN’s competitor’s agents, working illegally as a carpet steam-cleaning crew at Nintendo’s North American headquarters, reportedly discovered proof of NOA’s extensive plans to build ever-larger mobile gaming platforms to accommodate an expected market demand explosion over the next two years for over-sized, brick-like personal electronic devices.
Our sources at Nintendo declined to comment, other than to say that they were unaware of any carpet cleaners on the premises although said services would be quite welcome as there has been a problem with spilled popcorn in the hallways of late.
The rival gaming fake news agency detailed three new giant handheld systems to be released in the next 24 months. Said one undercover fake reporter, “I hesitate to even call them handhelds because they were as big as my duck.”
The DSi Super XL, scheduled for release next November, is said to be shaped like a cabbage and can be worn on the head. “Like putting your head in a friggin cabbage to play games,” remarked one of the industrial spies.
The DSii “Gigasnapper”, headed to North America next spring, is said to include a self-closing/security feature reminiscent of a bear trap. Documents discovered during the nighttime raid by the unscrupulous reporters indicate that the Gigasnapper is the brainchild of Nintendo head honcho Satoru Iwata, who believes that it is crucial to Nintendo’s future that gaming systems remain out of the paws of thieving bears.
The final surprisingly oversized mobile system is actually so big you have to drive it. The Nintendo DSi SerialBus System is built on a school bus chassis and includes sleeping bunks, a hot tub and a satellite dish on the roof.
Upon hearing the news of Nintendo’s plans, rival Sony announced that it, too, would produce a new series of PSPs based on a 747 jumbo jet stretch platform that would come in three colors: mocha, grasshopper and tangerine.
REDMOND, WA–Described by Microsoft spokespersons as the most explosive software launch in history, the Windows 7 operating system was released to critical acclaim and unbridled consumer enthusiasm. “This is an amazing moment for Microsoft,” said the spokesperson, while dabbing tears of joy from her eyes. “People actually like us now. It’s going to take some time getting used to that idea.” Following the “siege years” of lowered consumer expectations and outright hostility toward the company and its products, Microsoft employees were stunned to see an outpouring of affection from millions of PC fans….
