IGNN–The Imaginary Game News Network

CUPERTINO, CA—Contrary to recent posturing by Apple, Steve Jobs is playing a multibillion dollar game of bluff with the ultimate goal of acquiring Adobe Systems Inc. and its ubiquitous Flash web technology. IGNN has uncovered shocking evidence in the form of written communications between Jobs and someone known only as Mr. Fig that spell out a brilliant plan of subterfuge in which Apple’s repeated lambasting of Adobe drives down its stock value to the point that Apple can swoop in and buy the company for a song.

Scraps of paper with scrawls believed to have been made by Jobs were discovered recently at Pete’s Bar & Grill in Burlingame and purchased by IGNN at considerable cost. Extensive examinations by handwriting experts who specialize in Steve Jobs handwritten documents (one of the rarest of all hand-writing  specialties) suggest to a high degree of certitude that the claims made in the communications were in fact written by someone who either was Steve Jobs or was so similar to Steve Jobs that if you met him in a bath you’d probably say, “Oh, hi, Steve. Pass the soap, please.”

“I was pretty shocked that Steve Jobs would commit any communication to paper,” said industry analyst and Jobs-watcher, Malcom McVine. “Honestly, I didn’t even know that he knew how to use a pen. But the contents of these notes were simply unbelievable.”

In one note, Jobs confesses his addiction to Flash-based games, stating: “You know, it just doesn’t get any better than this. If only we could get these developers to make iPhone and iPad games! But how?”

It seems that the mysterious Mr. Fig was the first to suggest the tactic of publicly trashing Flash as a sloppily executed, shoddy piece of crap technology suited only for fools and charlatans. “Nobody will ever be able to penetrate the veil of arrogance,” suggested Fig.

“I really, really, really want Flash,” Jobs whines in a later note, “But I want to own it, and maybe add a lowercase “i” to the front of the name to show the whole world that it is mine and mine alone. Bwahaha!”

Psychologist and celebrity blogger, Dr. Christine Piggot-Corn, worries that Jobs is on the slippery slope from corporate genius to deluded supervillain. “Whenever they begin actually spelling out the maniacal laughter, you’ve got to be concerned. The next six months should be the critical test for him. Either sanity will return or we’ll likely see a new iPhone that is capable of destroying civilization itself. Frankly, I think Steve needs help, and I will publicly offer to aid this great man while at the same time saving the world and driving more high value traffic to my blog.”

In the meantime, Adobe’s brain trust has acknowledged the danger of Jobs’ obsession and is circling  its corporate wagons. “We’ve begun testing a new technology based on Flash that will allow users to reprogram their iPhones to accept whatever content they want,” revealed Adobe spokesperson Kingery King Vaboo. “It also sends a funny Tweet to Steve each time a Flash app is loaded onto a hacked iPhone. It’s a picture of an apple with another bite taken out of it. It’s gonna just kill him.”  –Nell Chase

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