IGNN–The Imaginary Game News Network

LucasArts cancels all Star Wars-related game development and announces that it will branch into donuts.

IGNN HQ—While other video game media are busting their humps to report the full E3 2010 story, bringing fans bi-minute updates, hands-on reviews, insightful interviews and opinions on everything from whether Gears of Tetris is a good idea to how many bloggers can dance on the head of a marketing VP, IGNN has chosen the bolder path of predicting the events, announcements and stories that won’t come out of the world’s premier gaming event. The entire staff has been working on this non-story for months, which is to say since last Tuesday when Nobson finally flipped his wall calendar page from February to June. From an editorial perspective, we feel safe in stating unequivocally that the following events will not under any circumstances actually take place…that is unless the universe turns out to be even wackier than we thought. So, without further ado and blather, here are the non-events that absolutely, positively won’t happen at E3 2010:

• Sony Chairman Sir Howard Stringer shows up on the convention floor disguised as Lady Gaga and wins the much ballyhooed CEO-In-Drag X-Prize.
• Two publishers compete to give away the most free koala bears as show swag only to be raided by a PETA SWAT team.
• LucasArts surprises everyone with unforeseen innovations in the next Monkey Island.
• NOA president Reggie Fils-Aime breaks a toe while kicking ass.
• Dozens of people willingly visit Kentia Hall more than once.
• People have coherent conversations within 50 feet of the EA booth.
• Booth Babe Tanya falls in love with nerdly programmer Steve who has perspiration issues.
• Microsoft humbly admits that Xbox 360 is not the sales or technological industry leader and that Kinect (formerly known as Natal) is really an acknowledgement that Nintendo is pretty clever.
• Nintendo humbly admits that Sony and Microsoft exist.
• Sony humbly admits to its secret plan to dominate the world through gaming robots.
• Madden 2011 features realistic player flatulence in HD omni-sound!
• Visiting celebrity director James Cameron predicts that 3D isn’t ready for TVs but that it’s perfect for the three inch 3DS screen.
• Dora’s Great Swiper Adventure wins “game of the show” honors from Kotaku.
• Mac finally becomes the gamers’ choice platform for computer games and an ominous cackle is heard echoing from the direction of Cupertino.
• Upcoming Rock Band games are revealed to incorporate keyboards, electric flutes, a laser light show and modded Game Boys.
• Link is finally outed as Tinkerbell’s wingless cousin.
• Steve Jobs addresses the convention and professes admiration for Flash games.
• L.A. celebrates the presence of tens of thousands of t-shirt wearing drunks wondering where the taxis are.
• Ubisoft’s contingent grumbles about the lack of civilization and bidets.
• Playstation’s big-balled Move controller is outed as the world’s most expensive and intriguing vibrator.
• PopCap Games fills the Hollywood Bowl for its highly anticipated news conference.
• A group of Scotish developers wind up drunk and naked on the beach at Malibu and get arrested for indecent pastiness.
• The L.A. Convention Hall food will be fast and delicious!
• Fun will be had by no one.