Volcano Boosted Sales
ULM, Germany–Speculation that the recent Icelandic volcanic eruption was triggered by a cunning game publisher with the intention to boost continental sales of its titles gained credence today when BK–Activision’s CEO and mastermind–admitted that only he was capable of such a cunning plan and that sales of video games across the continent spiked during the period when ash clouds kept many Europeans indoors.
Activision’s CEO, formerly known as Bobby Kotick, made the announcement from his secret, underwater nuclear base thought to lie somewhere off the coast of Malaysia. Said BK, “Only one mind on the planet is capable of that level of gamesmanship, and I’ll give you one guess who that mastermind is.” BK is believed to travel about the globe in an evil, jet-powered dirigible when he is not directing the machinations of Activision or world conquest.
Expert geologists who took up BK’s challenge were at first divided between placing blame on BK or British physicist Stephen Hawking, who is widely regarded as being rather clever. “This BK guy struck me as being nothing more than a clown at first,” admitted Dr. Ernst Pebble of the University of Ulm in Ulm, Germany. “And then I realized that there is nothing as evil and twisted as a clown…which is when the terrible truth dawned on me.”
After Pebble issued his findings, the global geophysical community immediately demanded that BK divulge the manner in which he was able to trigger the eruption of the Eyjafjallajökull (pronounced “you betcha”) volcano, but their demands were met with an audio recording delivered to a radio station in Singapore that sounded rather like someone clinking about in a tub filled with gold doubloons.
Gold doubloon-bathing scholar Mitch Creosote analyzed the tape and confirmed the suspicions of other top coin-wallowing experts. “Unmistakable,” said Creosote. “The soft tinkle—not unlike the sound of a Paraguayan vicuna peeing against a tin can–can be made only by a mad but brilliant villain who is rooting naked in a large vessel filled with two-escudo coins of the 17th and 18th centuries minted in Mexico.”
No further communiqués have been issued by either the International Geophysical Union or BK, but, having received a taste of BK’s power, the world now waits for the rumble of new economically motivated disasters. –Gideon Chazwit-Stoop
3 Responses to “Volcano Boosted Sales”
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Look at the lighting for piss sake! Look at the sun! What’s wrong about this scene? Unless we’ve suddenly got a second star in the solar system I’d say this photo has been altered. Fess up lads. This one’s a fake.
That is very observant of you Mr. Graff. It is true that we depict that which we imagine to be true and not objective reality. Such is my dire fear of being devoured by tigers that I often do not appreciate how confusing it can be for people who may not share my perspective, and it is the same with our imaginary tales here on IGNN. It may help if you consider everything you see on these pages to be total bullpoop. Believe me, the air in our office is so ripe that we wear masks.
You make BK sound bad but he’s my hero and I want a badass jet blimp too so much that I can taste it sweet!