Mario Doesn’t Implode
REDMOND, WA–Reports that Nintendo’s legendary plumber has imploded in a phenomenon known as “quantum shrinkage” have been grossly exaggerated according to Nintendo’s in-house physicist, Dr. Evo Mishimish.
“This is a well-documented type of event,” Mishimish recently told a concerned gathering of gaming pundits. “When a well-known digital entity reaches a level of mass media saturation, its inertial horizon can collapse and cause the entity to spontaneously wink out of existence. The most famous case of this, of course, is what happened to the character Plok. But regarding Mario’s recent absence, I can assure you that it’s simply a matter of our hero taking time off to pursue a new interest in philately–or stamp collecting.”
Nintendo has stated that Mario will return to the gaming scene as soon as he acquires the legendary Egyptian “Three Ibis” stamp, long rumored to be the only existing postage stamp made from crocodile tooth glue.
REDMOND, WA–Described by Microsoft spokespersons as the most explosive software launch in history, the Windows 7 operating system was released to critical acclaim and unbridled consumer enthusiasm. “This is an amazing moment for Microsoft,” said the spokesperson, while dabbing tears of joy from her eyes. “People actually like us now. It’s going to take some time getting used to that idea.” Following the “siege years” of lowered consumer expectations and outright hostility toward the company and its products, Microsoft employees were stunned to see an outpouring of affection from millions of PC fans….
I know this doesn’t have anything to do with the story, but does anybody know why “philately” sounds so dirty?
That’s bothered me for years, too, although I used to think it had something to do with my professional avocation of cleaning stadium urinals. I take pride in scrubbing my urinals until they’re so clean you could eat your morning cereal from them. But to achieve that degree of sanitation you have to give it everything you’ve got. You probably wouldn’t believe some of the things I’ve had to remove from urinals–vomit, licorice whips, petrified mice, a dentist in for the game from Duluth who got his head stuck under the flush handle. Incidentally, he still sends me Christmas cards. So what’s so disgusting about philately compared to that? Beats me.