Kinect Cures Hiccups!
Malibu, CA– Researchers at the Involuntary Synchronous Diaphragmatic Flutter (Hiccup) Institute have determined that SDF sufferers (people with hiccups) can alleviate their symptoms by playing active Kinect games during an attack.
“We’re not sure if the symptoms are lessened more by the exercise or by the laughter caused by onlookers viewing a hiccupping fool prancing about,” noted Dr. Vestminder, the chief researcher at the institute. “We suspect that both play a part.”
The finding was part of a larger study looking into a wide range of activities and their effects on people with hiccups.
“We are interested in seeing how a person with hiccups reacts to common modern day stimuli,” Dr. Vestminder explained. “For instance, we placed one hiccupping subject in a public venue, then squirted ketchup all over his shirt. The response was striking and immediate, and both the test subject and researcher involved will be leaving the ICU soon.”
The ISDFI has been accused by some observers in the medical research community as being a bunch of ethically-challenged pranksters. “They wrangled a grant from the government and now they use it to play stupid tricks on people in the name of science,” steamed Dr. Debbie Dandandelus of Myoclonus Laboratories in Denver. “Five million dollars for five years of research, and there’s three people in the so-called Institute. Talk about government waste.”
Dr. Vestminder refutes accusations of impropriety, pointing out that the Institute’s purchase of a 2011 Tesla was part of a rigorous study to determine if driving around in a sexy electric sports car can reduce the period of intense hiccupping called “the intense hiccupping period” or TIHP. “We discovered a 20% drop in the overall TIHP when driving a Tesla,” he reported. “That isn’t peanuts. And, I might add, we discovered that TIHP could be reduced a further 63% if, during the test, we picked up a hooker.”
Asked if he’s concerned about the upcoming grant review, to take place later this year, Dr. Vestminder shook his head. “Not at all. You see, we invite the review committee to come out here to Malibu. We put them up at our beach-front lab and drive them around in the Tesla looking for hookers. We calculate a 99.7% chance of renewal.”
REDMOND, WA–Described by Microsoft spokespersons as the most explosive software launch in history, the Windows 7 operating system was released to critical acclaim and unbridled consumer enthusiasm. “This is an amazing moment for Microsoft,” said the spokesperson, while dabbing tears of joy from her eyes. “People actually like us now. It’s going to take some time getting used to that idea.” Following the “siege years” of lowered consumer expectations and outright hostility toward the company and its products, Microsoft employees were stunned to see an outpouring of affection from millions of PC fans….
I once had hiccups while driving a Malibu. Would that qualify me to work at the institute?
When will government waste end? And why is this a story on IGNN? Frankly, the Kinect connection is weak at best. I suspect you guys are slacking off. I mean, really, fast cars and hookers? This is just the sort of sleazy journalism I might expect from a news organization with the ethics of a fox. But for an imaginary news staff to sink to this level, well, it makes me lose control and I find myself wanting to hide in a small cupboard under the stairs. Shape up!