Posh Bottom, UK—The news that a rare copy of Tetris for the Sega Mega Drive was selling for $1 million dollars on eBay has prompted game owners around the world to dig through attics and basements in search of rare titles. In the English countryside, however, where Lizzy Fulcrum-Smythe has lived in a stone cottage for the last 40 years, the frenzy has a slightly different focus because Lizzy has been collecting some of the rarest of the rare titles and now she’s preparing to sell them all.

“Frankly, Dennis,” she confessed to your reporter, “I’ve had it up to here with all the rain. You see, it gets through the roof and you can smell the damp thatch. It’s just awful. If I wanted to live in bloody Vancouver I’d move to bloody Vancouver. So I’m off to Malta as soon as I sell my games.”

Lizzy began collecting rare video games back in the mid-eighties when Atari-burning parties were popular.

“I figured that most of these games would get broken or lost and that someday they might have value, so I started collecting them in rummage sales, pulling them from dustbins and putting them in a box.”

As the collection grew, that box soon proved to be too small, and Lizzy started filling a wardrobe, which then overflowed until now the cottage’s single bedroom is filled with boxes of games.

“Ten thousand, two hundred and twelve games,” Lizzy told us. “I estimate that they are worth more than 7 million pounds. I already have a land agent scouring Malta for a beach house.”

So just what are some of these rarest of the rare games?

“The first ever Zork,” Lizzy ticked off some of the highlights of her collection, “which was misspelled ‘Zerk’ in the title. That should fetch about 90 thousand quid. I have a copy of Donkey Kong Jr. Math that calculates 2+2=5. Bit embarrassing for Nintendo, that one.  Bidding will start at ten thousands. And I’ve got a Solar Jet Man with an audio bug that makes the game seem to say, ‘Newton Sucks!’ whenever you rocket into an object. I have one of three copies of Yoshi’s Beach Party Zombie Quest, a very rare Pokemon Pink, two Final Fantasy VIIs with urinating chocobos and a demo version of Halo Kart, which as you know was never released due to concerns that it could damage player psyches.”

But perhaps the rarest object in Lizzy’s collection is a limited edition gold Game Boy Advance SP with The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap included.

“You see the printing error on the box,” Lizzy pointed out. “Instead of the age-rating, it has a little winking smiley face. It’s almost like the box has come alive and it’s mocking the entire consumer experience. It’s a bit creepy if you ask me, but I expect it will fetch more than 100,000 pounds. It’s one-of-a-kind, you see.”

Lizzy’s eBay auction is set to begin on Tuesday, so if you want to own one of these priceless games, and help Lizzy retire to Malta, you’d better sell your house pronto for some quick cash.