IGNN’s Staff
Publisher: Imaginary News Network Global
(INNG)
Background: Housed in a towering glass and steel edifice in Bellevue, Washington, Imaginary News Network Global overshadows its humble scion, The Imaginary Game News Network like a disapproving parent over a naughty whelp. Imaginary News Network Global provides a range of media products positioned to confuse and entertain its audiences. Seriously. This really is their position.
Editor-in-chief: Scooter DePlume
Home: His Office
Tag: GameRaptor
Favorite Games: The Legend of Helga, Sim Symphony, Bactrian: The Spit is in Your Eye
Bio: Scooter DePlume popped into existence one afternoon, fully formed and with one purpose in his imaginary life–to create, promote and drive into the ground the most unique venture in publishing history, The Imaginary Game News Network. But in spite of his spontaneous genesis, SDP (as he is fondly known about the office) seems to think that he is on a mission to bring perspective to the world of gaming journalism, a goal that might be useful were IGNN to engage in intelligent discourse, which sadly it does not. And yet DePlume persists in his quest to invent controversy, ignite readers and ignore facts in all that the staff produces. They humor him in return, hoping one day to be paid. Although dysfunctional, the relationship between management and staff so far has not erupted into open rebellion or wholesale firings.
Ram “Danger” Pootawali, Senior Editor
Home: Bellevue, WA (formerly Mt. Sevapali, India)
Tag: TigerSnack
Favorite Games: Super Bario Hombres, Kastle Klashers, Superman 64 Gold (never released)
Bio: In his peaceful mountain village young Ram had few concerns except the ravenous tigers who lived in the nearby jungles and who regularly dined on unwary villagers. As he grew, he got bigger, and he wondered what the wide world beyond the barricades and dense thorns and hissing pythons might offer a bright lad, and so he left for the big city of Poodlewahnapur, where he lived with an aunt and seven cows and where he learned the art of NES console repair. He also acquired a love of gaming, but his librarian aunt also instilled in him a love of words. In 2009, heeding an Internet ad calling for imaginative gamers to gather in a small town near Seattle, Washington, where the future would be revealed to them by a great visionary, Ram sold his burgeoning business, kissed his aunt goodbye, and set off for Seattle. His adventure is just beginning…
Gideon Chazwit-Stoop, Senior Foreign Correspondent
Home: Cheshire, UK
Tag: BloodyHellHound
Favorite Games: Moldorm Warfare, Wipeit, Final Fragfest IV
Bio: From a cold-water flat on the grubby side of Cheshire, the oldest member of the IGNN staff leads a solitary existence, burning with shameful memories no human was built to endure. The Oxford graduate had been living the life of a rock star–fast cars, global fame, scads of money and adoring glances from tech groupies–when it all came tumbling down after he attended a Royal tea party at Buckingham Palace, where Gideon was photographed in a compromising position with two scullery maids and a pair of the Queen’s capacious bloomers. It wasn’t at all what it seemed, he protested. He and the girls had been rescuing the undergarment from one of Her Majesty’s romping Corgis and, in such situations, it so often happens that other pieces of clothing can become separated from their owners, leading to still further confusion and even a bit of a gentle tussle. Nobody listened to his cries of innocence. He went from a plush office as The Guardian’s Senior Technology correspondent to the spoon and bobber beat of The Manchester Daily Trout. It seemed as if he could drop no farther until he took his present job with IGNN.
Nell Chase, Senior Investigative Correspondent
Home: Redmond, WA
Tag: TheLidlessEye
Favorite Games: Ogre Battalion, Geometry Bars, Where the Fuck is Carmen San Diego
Bio: Raised by semi-tamed wolves, who belonged to her veterinarian parents in Umiakabasca, Alaska, young Nell learned to sniff out a tasty treat no matter how cleverly concealed in seal blubber it might be. Destined to become an investigative reporter, Nell’s first news job at the Nome Daily Bugle left her feeling unfulfilled and chilly. Quite simply, there was no news. Her big break came when she moved to Seattle and uncovered an insidious plot to monetize Xbox using a game developed by little-known Bungie Studios.
Cremella Ling, Senior Chatroom Correspondent
Home: Unknown
Tag: Chew Li
Favorite Games: Hello Sailor Moon, Pokey Man, Assassin’s Breed
Bio: Feisty, street-smart, as chatty as a dentist and twice as hard to interrupt, 20-year-old Cremella Ling exudes passion for games and a willingness to report anything that pops into her brain the moment it does so. This winning combination of traits has earned her three IGIR (Imaginary Game Industry Reporting) awards and an imaginary raise in salary. Unfortunately her credit card bill collector is not imaginary and Cremella is currently on the run, phoning in her reports from secret locations.
Rondo Nobson, Senior Scary Editor
Home: Mom’s basement
Tag: NoMommyNo
Favorite Games: World of Craft Beads, Ridge Razor, Serial Killer 7
Bio: Haunted by images that would make lesser men seek psychiatric help, Rondo Nobson lives in isolation and brooding fear, while mom Judy cheerily supplies him with his favorite dish–rutabaga stew–on a daily basis. “We don’t really know what happened to Rondo,” mom Judy confesses, “but it seems to have something to do with clouds.” Nell Chase, however, has another theory. “I suspect Rondo’s paranoia has less to do with atmospheric phenomena than mom Judy’s home business, Judy Nobson’s Clown Supply. The place is filled with string wigs, red noses and giant floppy shoes. Creepiest thing I’ve ever seen. Poor Rondo never had a chance.”
Ib Sanchez, Senior Food Correspondent
Home: Puerto Punta
Tag: MasterChef
Favorite Games: Cookin’ Babies, Foodoku, Yoshi’s Biscotti
Bio: Ib Sanchez, IGNN’s food-game critic and one-time Iron Chef contestant knows no fear. He has not only consumed fugu (poison blow fish), he’s prepared the dish blindfolded while being suspended from a microphone boom. Ib’s spectacular food-related stunts are matched only by his capacity to imagine truly farfetched stories. “I am driven by a great hunger for truth,” says Ib, but fortunately for IGNN’s readers we’ve kept him starving.
Fawn Mikal, Senior Social Editor
Home: Beverly Hills, 90211
Tag: PartyGirl23
Favorite Games: Dance Dance Revelation, Sock Band, Fabio Party
Bio: Fawn likes to play party games, go dancing, shop, take long walks on the beach or stay at home and curl up with a good movie and a warm companion, such as her cat, Fiona. She’s looking for fame, friendship and a necklace that she swore she was wearing at Nordstrom’s last Tuesday.
Dr. Jess Ariella, Executive Senior Smartypants Correspondent (MENSA certified)
Home: Boston, MA
Tag: HighPi
Favorite Games: Anything Worms, Brain Gauge, Missed
Bio: Jess has completed three degrees at Harvard and still can’t get a job that pays, but that doesn’t bother her since she is the heir to the vast Ariella fortune and she could buy and sell the entire IGNN enterprise a million times over. A self-confessed elitist as well as the world’s #1 Worms fan, Jess takes on puzzle games and biz dev stories with equal aplomb–a word that she told us means confidence, skill and poise, particularly when the shit hits the fan.
Vasco De Bean, Senior Casual & Sometimes Naked Correspondent
Home: Buenos Aires
Tag: Gaucho
Favorite Games: Bedrizzled, WordSplat, Texas Hold It
Bio: Urbane and a master of 12 languages, Senor De Bean cultivates tastes and collects fine experiences, wine, games, and yachts. Sailing between his native Argentina and the Côte d’ Azur (aka French Riviera) Vasco has plenty of time to exercise his love of games, which he plays casually or completely in the nude while chatting with his wide circle of friends.
Timm Bingo, Correspondent At Large
Home: The Woods
Tag: WhooWhooWoo
Favorite Games: Chibi Lobo, Wii Spore, Toy Story’s Big Woody Adventure
Bio: By night Timm roams the rugged forests of the Pacific Northwest as a member of the Forest Service’s elite Owl Team, which has been monitoring the habits of the Northern Spotted Owl for two decades. By day, from his remote forest cabin on Devil’s Club Creek, he plays games and explores the Internet. One day he hopes to discover shears that will be able to clip his unruly beard.
Contributors:
Daniellex Blonden, Mesmitani “Kat” Impalawandi, Leon T. Kennedy, Gladstone Emory III, The Burkettes, Swany Pseevooplay, Draknor the Sibilant, Murray the Farting Moose
Guest Correspondents: From time to time we print stories and opinions subitted by guest editors and other imaginary scribes. We neither endorse nor stand behind anything they write; in fact, we encourage them to be as rigorously lax as our own award-shunning staff.
- Advanced Thinking: Dr. Jess
March 14, 2010 | 10:27 amIt’s not so surprising that famed game developer Will Wright plays Advance Wars every morning over coffee. AW is a thinking person’s game, and who makes more cerebral games than Mr. Wright–the father of all things Sim?
What’s more surprising is that after Mr. Wright acknowledged his Advance Wars addiction at the conclusion of GDC, is that he went on to add that he enjoys a round of Tetris on his iPhone while waiting for his car to warm up, at lunch he indulges in Super Smash Bros. matches with colleagues, and during afternoon tea he often plays Alone in the Dark. An analysis of Mr. Wright based on all these games suggests a restless personality with a drive to explore, challenge himself and multitask, which leads me to predict that we have yet to see the magnum opus from this gifted developer. Call me, Will. Let’s do lunch. Winner pays.
- Nobson’s ComicCon Report #1
March 14, 2010 | 7:52 amI’ve been going to ComicCon for years, but I’ve never encountered so many people out of costume. It actually makes me uncomfortable that I’m wearing my Princess Leia chainlink slave girl costume in this crowd. Some of these posers actually gave me looks that seemed to indicate that I was the strange one.
The good news is that I actually saw Leonard Nimoy and Stan Lee chatting about what would happen if Spider-man was to fight a Klingon. Spider-man would kick ass, of course, but Stan graciously acknowledged that Klingons are great warrior poets.
So far, though, the highlight was when Elton John appeared on center stage to perform a piano duet of Rocketman with Buzz Aldrin. Aldrin is now the uberpriest of high geekdom! I bow before his awesomeness.
- Ram: Unusual northwest customs
February 4, 2010 | 9:30 amYes, it is true that we have moved to a new office space in the wilderness of a place called Issaquah, Washington. I shall miss our accommodations in Bellevue, although the unfortunate incident with the imaginary Turkish prison remains a low point in my memory of that otherwise fine city.
Here in Issaquah, I have noticed a strange phenomenon in which the corporate overseers seem to have been inflicted with a sort of madness. Outside the office runs a babbling brook known as Issaquah Creek, which is quite famous in these parts for its prodigious runs of salmon. Even though we have just set up shop, I have witnessed on several occasions that the CEO and President will suddenly bolt out of their offices wearing hip-waders and carrying large nets, apparently with the purpose of catching fish. I have also noticed that at present there are no fish in the creek, just corporate leaders. I have seen several dozen of these rugged executives standing out there in the frigid waters casting their eyes and lines downstream. I find this disturbing. But perhaps it is just some sort of local ritual such as the golden monkey dance back home.
- Having Fun in San Marco (Vasco)
January 23, 2010 | 9:34 amAs those who know and love me often remark, “that Vasco loves the sun.” It’s true, which is why I am spending the next several months on my yacht “El Guanaco” here in lovely San Marco, where the waves lick your toes like puppies and the soft breeze is like the breath of your lover. Ah, San Marco, where first I played Centipede–in my mind Ed Logg’s finest creation. But today I am absorbed with a new social game entitled, “Pen Island Friends”–just go to www.penislandfriends.com to find out more about this game, in which a band of four players chosen randomly from logged-in registrants must solve the mystery of what’s killing the clowns in the giant amusement park of Pen Island. It is a delight, and quite scary, so be sure to surround yourself with caring friends or lovers or come to San Marco, where every day is paradiso!
- Somewhere In Antarctica (Cremella)
January 18, 2010 | 8:06 amWith international agents still searching for me, I’ve spent the last several months playing games at a secret ice palace located somewhere on the expanse of the Ross Ice Shelf, completely alone except for the occasional visit from really sad looking Emperor penguins. It’s cold as anything, but I warm up with sessions of Wii Sports Resort Plus II. Super looking forward to my next hideout and playing Dark Void.
- Savvy Rocks (Fawn)
January 12, 2010 | 11:05 amI’m in love with Style Savvy, but a friend of mine who knows someone who once worked at Nintendo says that a whole lineup of new Savvy games are on the way and now I’m so excited I can’t run my shop anymore. Ram wants me to do a series of previews of imaginary “savvy” games, so I’ve been making a list: Truck Stop Savvy (running a successful truck stop can’t be easy), Apple Savvy (not that Apple, I’m thinking orchards, but maybe I should go the other way), Hollywood Producer Savvy (’cause who doesn’t want to produce shows for a network, say NBC, which could use my imagination), and Tarot Savvy (providing a range of extrasensory services). But I’m willing to listen to other ideas.
- Report on the Face of Gaming (Jess)
January 6, 2010 | 6:04 pmI ran across a great study that pretty much sums up the future of gaming as one that involves everyone with any money regardless of age, gender, nationality, creed or IQ. This has been coming for some time, but the expansion may not be what people expect. Most industry pundits still focus on TV game consoles, but the delivery mechanisms cited in the study (by the Institute of Holographic Research in Helsinki) range far and wide, from mobile apps to devices built into glasses and viewed in virtual 3D to projected displays built right into your clothes.
- Modern Warfare 3 (Ram)
January 5, 2010 | 9:03 amI’ve been busy imagining Modern Warfare 3 and what I would include in the game, such as tigers–of course–and a level in which players battle a force composed of Wall Street’s most elite commando bankers. And I would leave out airports altogether, plus I would definitely include some camels as they are very trendy at the moment.
- Holiday Fallout (Rondo)
January 3, 2010 | 2:02 amThey’re all blaming me for the stupid incarceration over the holiday. How was I supposed to know that there’s a secret Turkish prison hidden beneath Bellevue City Hall, and worse, that it’s administered by sadists who love goats. I’ve tried to make amends–preparing tea for the staff each morning, bringing cupcakes and licorice to the office, offering back rubs to Nell. My attempts at reconciliation have been rebuked.
- A Blog Within A Blog (Rondo)
August 7, 2009 | 4:38 pmI just passed Nell a note. She’s so pretty. She’s reading it now…. She’s, she’s, oh! Trashed. Damn. She thinks she’s so much better than everyone. I’ll show her. I’ll steal all her research on Bobby Kotick’s alpaca ranch and make her start over.
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