Don’t Quote Me
Any PR pro can tell you the three words an interviewee should never say no matter who or what is at stake or how much liquor has flowed or what fiendish instruments of torture are being applied because saying them always leads to unscrupulous bastards (to wit) turning their words upside down. The words, of course, are…don’t quote me. Which brings up an interesting point; did we imagine the following quotes (likely enough given that’s our job)…or did we just conveniently cough when those three words were being spoken? Without further ado, let’s listen in on the video game industry’s leaders and personalities as we imagine their insightful and/or humorous quotes:
“Yes, we considered switching to a World Wildlife Fund wrestling game license instead of changing to WWE, but we discovered that you really need opposable thumbs to perform most holds and throws, which would give apes a huge advantage over gazelles, emus and most other species.” perhaps falsely attributed to THQ licensing agent, Nickalaus Fubette, while discussing his most challenging licensing decisions over the years.
“I hate to say it, but that poor ass pictured on Saturday Night Live was my cousin, Seymore. He’d been choking on a thistle, when a noose and a chair presented a chance to try a variation on the Heimlich Maneuver. Sadly, it didn’t work. As for me, I’m doing about as well as can be expected, which isn’t all that well, frankly. It kind of wears on you when everyone thinks you died in an act of autoerotic sexual asphyxiation.” perhaps falsely attributed to Eeyore.
“Life is like a Bloxx of chocolates…get it? Ha, ha. But that’s not to say that Digital Chocolate has anything to do with Forrest Gump. I hope that obvious?” perhaps falsely attributed to Trip Hawkins, CEO of Digital Chocolate and a founder of Electronic Arts.
“For all those plays writ by men, twas not I who united paper and pen. Neither Romeo nor Lear nor Falstaff wooed me. For my quill was inking the Tragedie of Banjo and Kazooie.” perhaps falsely attributed to William Shakespeare upon the rare discovery of a folio that had been hidden in a wall near Twycross, England.
“It was dark and slippy in there, and it smelled like a a camel’s large intestine. I wouldn’t recommend it unless it’s absolutely necessary for survival,” perhaps falsely attributed to Bear Grylls, the star of survival TV show Man Vs. Wild and an upcoming Man Vs. Wii video game version, while supposedly demonstrating how to protect your eyes from a sandstorm by shoving your head up a camel’s ass.
“When I peer into the future I see only a large, snarling raccoon with a bit of lettuce or something stuck in its teeth,” perhaps falsely attributed to Will Wright in response to a question about contemplating raccoons.
“Our goal is to sell another 50 billion units this year, and since there are only about 7 billion people on the planet, the plan is to encourage every human being to buy a Wii for every day of the week,” perhaps falsely attributed to Nintendo President Satoru Iwata with regard to the recent announcement of the price drop for Wii.
“Actually, it’s because I got lost in Shinjuku Station and missed my train to Narita. So I decided I’d better learn Japanese or I’d never get home to Great Britain,” perhaps falsely attributed to Sir Howard Stringer, Sony CEO, when asked why he took the top job at the iconic Japanese electronics giant.
“I don’t see myself so much as a cougar in the animal world as much as a fierce bald eagle of justice and moral indignitude fighting for the rights of common eagles and even regular Joe plumber robins and arctic plovers who need my guidance and whose donations will sweep out the librifying elementals of DC Beltway political gamesmanship, which I don’t stand for and God’s will will see what’s right and true under the constituation of this great land and God’s blessing.” perhaps falsely attributed to ex-Governor of Alaska, ex-Republican VP candidate, ex-VIP Sarah Palin when asked if she ever played Tetris Friends on Facebook.
“There’s nothing in our national health care policy that a Wii amount of preventative planning and activity can’t fix,” perhaps falsely attributed to Senator Max Baucus (D) Montana upon the unveiling of his new healthcare reform bill, which calls for Wii Fit subsidies to low-income households.
“Look, I ordered a ham sandwich, but unless I’m mistaken you’ve given me a dead sparrow on wilted lettuce,” perhaps falsely attributed to Nintendo of America President, Reggie Fils-Aime at a Redmond, WA eatery.
“Could you repeat that, please?” presumably uttered by a financial analyst in response to the following press conference announcement by Take-Two’s chairman, Strauss Zelnick, regarding Grand Theft Auto V announcements: “We’re not going to announce it. We’re not going to announce when we’re going to announce it. And we’re not going to announce the strategy about announcing it or about when we’re going to announce it either, or about the announcement strategy surrounding the announcement of the strategy. Any other questions?”
“My dream is for every human to have a robotic buddy to play with by the time I’m dead,” perhaps falsely attributed to Sir Howard Stringer, CEO of Sony, upon hearing that a recent study funded by Sony suggested that people prefer robotic companions to living ones.
“I’ve never met a game I wanted to beat over the head with a shovel more than Spelunker,” perhaps falsely attributed to Dingus McFlaherty of Ringo Games, referring to the Spelunker main character’s propensity to fall over dead at the slightest suggestion of hit detection.
“Nolan Bushnell is still alive? Seriously? And he’s still making games? I’ve just got one question: Who the he’ll is Nolan Bushnell?” perhaps falsely attributed to Nolan Bushnell, inventor of Pong and credited with the invention of video games when asked about his latest release, Battleswarm.
“Project Nepal is definitely coming out in 2010. Hell, yes. But that other one–Project Natal–I got no flipping clue when that puppy will be ready for primetime. Clear?” perhaps falsely attributed to Steve Ballmer, Microsoft CEO, famous for forgetting that not everyone in the universe works for him.
“The band is absolutely thrilled to be selling out, and they’re looking forward to making a shit wad of cash…” perhaps falsely attributed to Bill Wiggin Carlyle, spokesman for the rock band, The Muse, regarding news that the band has been chosen for an upcoming edition of Rock Band.
